Are you keen to develop your self-awareness, but don’t know where to start. This week’s blog article provides an easy to use self awareness tool to start this process. It also allows for the possibility of making changes to reduce distress and / or increase the quality of your life.

One of the themes of my blog is curiosity and self-awareness. I wrote in a previous post about becoming yourself, referring to becoming the authentic you. I have written previously about the fact that our self-definition is captured in our narrative or story. I mentioned the importance of knowing your story as a way of understanding ourselves and giving ourselves self compassion. That this awareness creates the possibility of making changes.

7 Day Getting to Know You Self Awareness Tool

Day 1

Write down the five most common words you use to describe yourself to others. These might be roles (parent, partner, sibling etc) or qualities (fair, hard working, compassionate, wise etc). Either is fine.

Days 2 – 6

On each day pick one of the qualities or roles.

Write this quality of role it at the top of a blank piece of A4 paper, then complete each of the following steps:

1 – Write down what this quality or role means to you in one sentence.

2 – Write down what someone in this role, or with this quality, ‘can’ or ‘should do’.

3 – Write down what someone with this role, or quality, ‘can’t’ or ‘shouldn’t do’.

Below is an example of the layout of these pages.

Day 7

Find a room where you can have some privacy, and one that has a blank wall or some floor or desk space. Stick these individual A4 sheets on the wall with blue tack, or on the floor or desk in front of you.

Before going forward, take a few moments to ground yourself. A few minutes using slow deep breathing, gently keeping your eyes closed can be useful. If you have something else that you find puts you in the present moment, that removes internal and external distractions, then do this.

Once you are fully present continue.

• Move you attention to each of the individual sheets on the wall or the floor, one at a time. Through this process be curious and do not judge what you wrote.
• Consider how these definitions of you shape how you respond to external events and how you think, feel and act.
• Consider all of the ‘can’ or ‘shoulds’, and how these have benefited you, and where they might have created problems.
• Consider your list of ‘can nots’ and ‘should nots’, and reflect for a moment on whether these limits have been healthy and protective of you, or of they held you back and /or created distress for you.
• Highlight or note down anything that has surprised you and / or resulted in a new awareness.

Examples of exploring roles and qualities

Example 1

This example is from a client I worked with whose first definition was ‘partner’. Her definition was someone who is committed to someone else in a long term relationship, and is supportive and accepting of all parts of that person, and in all situations.

The things she felt a partner ‘should’ or ‘can do’ included being loyal, committed and unconditionally accepting the other person. The things she felt a partner ‘can’t’ or ‘shouldn’t do’ included asking them to change.

Upon reflection she felt that some of these qualities have resulted in her relationship enduring, whilst others have caused her distress and lowered the quality of the relationship. Moving forward she chose to stay in the relationship but challenge her partner it in ways that caused some discomfort, but resulted in more of her needs being met. Her willingness to drop the ‘should’ about unconditionally accepting her partner allowed this to happen.

Example 2

This example is taken from another client who prided himself on being ‘fair’. His definition of being fair was to treat everyone equally and have the same expectations of others as he had of himself.

The things he felt that someone who was fair ‘should do’ was to rigidly hold expectations of others, while expecting and demanding fair treatment from others.

The things he felt someone who is fair ‘shouldn’t do’ included allowing differential treatment and / or support of those who do not comply with the standard process or procedure.

Upon reflection he felt this quality had contributed to his positive self-image and he felt other’s acceptance and liking of him. But he found it had also caused him significant anger and resentment as there had been situations where fairness had not prevailed and he found this almost impossible to accept. To reduce this anger and resentment he needed to lower his expectation of others behaving fairly, and consider that going outside the system could be ok. He felt uncomfortable doing this at times, but did find it reduced his feelings of anger.

In Finishing

It is important to be aware of the implications of how we define ourselves. Each of these roles or qualities can potentially support us. Conversely, they may unwittingly sabotage us. If we can flexibly and selectively apply these roles and qualities, or even the elements of them, we can make choices and changes that increase our quality of life and achieve better outcomes for ourselves and the people around us.

If you had the time to do this exercise, thank you. As always, shares are appreciated. As are comments on Facebook or the blog article on whether you found this useful, or anything that came up for you.

Enjoy and take care

Scott

Forgiveness seems to have attained the status of a virtue that we should all aspire to. In fact when we can’t forgive we might consider this a personal failure and/or a character deficit. I call this The Dark Side of Forgiveness. This week’s article looks at forgiveness in a more balanced way. It considers a wider variety of responses to the transgressions of others against us. It places the goals of personal psychological health and physical safety as primary. My aim is to support victims of transgressions of any sort to have a wider number of choices in supporting themselves.

What is Forgiveness and Should I Forgive ?

Forgiveness is a term bandied around a lot with many people advising friends and family members of the need to forgive, irrespective of who and what they are forgiving. People whose life includes a spiritual element, seem to be even more adamant of the importance and significant of forgiving. Where it can become challenging is often people can feel shame when they are not ready to forgive, or even don’t feel they should. As a therapist I have noticed times where clients’ forgiveness might result in them returning to unsafe situations.

First a current definition from a psychological perspective. According to the emerging consensus among researchers, forgiveness includes (a) the reduction in vengeful and angry thoughts, feelings, and motives, and may be accompanied by (b) an increase in some form of positive thoughts, feelings, and motives toward the offending person.

Are There Other Options ?

There is a substantial body of research around forgiveness, unforgiveness and the idea of not forgiving. It would seem that the negative psychological impact of not forgiving is around the holding onto of resentment, bitterness and anger that is directed toward another person who has committed a transgression against us. Another interesting area of inquiry has been around the impact of punishment. How does the offender being punished for the transgression impact the ability to forgive someone?. It seems that it is more effective when the victim is given a voice as part of the punishment process and hence a sense of power. In fact forgiveness in itself facilitates a redistribution of power between the offender and victim where the choice to forgive is an empowering and purposeful decision. It is felt that this is the mechanism through which the negative emotions are resolved.

More recent definitions of unforgiveness divides unforgiveness into three aspects: negative emotions and rumination; unforgiving cognitions; and an altered perception of the offender. Ift seems that if the negative emotion and rumination are resolved, then unforgiveness may not have adverse outcomes for the individual. It would appear that people who have a greater ability to control their emotions are able to do this more easily.

So it is important to be aware that conditional forgiveness, or in fact not forgiving, can be as psychologically healthy as forgiveness. This is counter to the general idea that unconditional forgiveness is the ideal standard. It would seem that across all options a sense of empowerment and control is the pathway to better psychological health.

If Someone Does Something to me How do I Take Care of Myself ?

This suggests that when someone does something to us, aside from the direct consequences to us of their actions, one of the key losses is a loss of power. Being able to reclaim and exercise that power enables us to avoid rumination. Rumination usually involves focused thinking on the transgression, the offender, and the associated negative consequences. Rumination as well as anger directed toward the offender become the default strategy and it is this approach which is linked to negative health outcomes and other consequence. Revenge is an example of a strategy that might result from being in this head space.

Once we have addressed the impact of these negative emotions and / or reclaimed our personal power then we can decide what of the next step. Whether it would be be offering forgiveness to the offender, offering forgiveness subject to punishment, or not offering forgiveness at all. Noting that there may be a place for each of these options.

Some Strategies for Addressing the Personal Power Deficit and / or Avoiding Ruminating

Mindfulness – This is a way of disconnecting from emotionally charged thinking where our responses, however uncomfortable are held in awareness without our passing judgment on them. There are many online resources about this topic, or talk to a therapist.

Self-worth / Self-esteem – Restoring your sense of self will increase your power. Dependent on the transgression talking to victim support services can be useful. Focusing on your strengths and self worth values with a therapist or trusted friend can be useful.

Realistic Thinking – For some people rumination can result in heightened distress due to unrealistic thinking about the consequences of the transgression. Becoming aware of these thoughts and challenging them can be helpful to reduce this distress. If you find it difficult to do this alone, then seek the help of a mental health professional.

Positive distractions – Whilst not as enduring as the previous strategies, distracting yourself with other things in your life that make you happy and feel good about yourself to reduce distress. Please ensure that these are NOT destructive or unhealthy.

In Finishing

When a transgression is committed against us, aside from the consequences of that transgression, there is a loss of personal power. Our evolutionary adaptive strategy is fight while rumination and anger mobilize our resources to restore the power imbalance. If we wish to consider and adopt alternate strategies in response to the transgression that better support us, we need to find a way to restore our internal power deficit, or at least stop ruminating. Once we have done this we can consider, possibly with support, what it the best strategy that would protect us and support our growth.

There are many anecdotal stories of the power of unconditional forgiveness of significant transgression, but this should just be considered one of the possible options. It is important that the victims of others’ transgressions are not further victimized by the choices they make to restore their psychological health and ensure their physical safety.

Any comments or feedback on your own experience of this is appreciated and valued.

Take care

Scott

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Have you ever struggled with recalling past events accurately ? If you are someone who prides yourself on your ability to accurately recall things this may have been concerning, or even distressing. Understanding why recall is a problem may help you be more compassionate and kind to yourself. Also, knowing how this can benefit you, and having some tools for realizing these benefits, may increase your happiness and success and improve your relationships. Read this article to understand the benefits of constructive memory.

Human memory processes and constructive memory

Memory management processes are encoding, storage, and retrieval. There are two keys types of memory: episodic and semantic. Semantic is about knowledge and episodic is the autobiographical memory of our life. Interestingly, there is a significant overlap between the processes used to recall these autobiographical memories, and our ability to imagine future events.

Encoding is impacted by things such as our biases and emotional states. These impact what pieces of information are included in the memory, and even how much detail is stored. As retrieval is constructive is it also impacted by our intentions, motivation and once again, biases and emotional states.

The net result of these factors can be substantial inaccuracies based on what we would consider to be the conventional goals of accurate storage of information and then retrieving this same information at a later time. If we consider the goals of the human condition to be subjective well being, achievement of goals, protection against illness including mental illness, positive relationships, then selected memory storage and constructive retrieval is adaptive, and can be very useful.

Each of these aspects of memory are the subject of ongoing academic research. The focus of this article is on the retrieval, and related construction, of autobiographical memory.

Firstly the challenges of constructive memory

I have written previously about humans as creatures who subjectively experience the world. About how we can control our perceptual system, and also how biases affect the processing of information. It should therefore come as no surprise that subjectively is carried through to our memory systems.

Unlike computer memory where a piece of information is accurately recorded, encoded and stored, and later retrieved, the memory system in our brain is significantly more functionally rich, but also more prone to inaccuracies.

Its limitations have been studied in areas such as eyewitness testimony, which was historically seen as the gold standard in terms of factual accuracy. Research on this subject found it was prone to inaccuracies. Even the confidence level that individuals had that their memory of an event was accurate is not reliably related to the accuracy of their recall of that event.

Potential Benefits of Constructive Memory

The constructive nature of memory can be quite useful, even with its inherent inaccuracies. Whilst not an exhaustive list the following are some of the benefits of our constructive process for recalling memories of our life.

• Our biases in retrieval and encoding can be supportive of a positive self-image and protective against mental health disorders such as depression.
• Re-framing and contextualizing of early life experiences can be undertaken as part of constructive retrieval This can significantly reduce the distress associated with these memories and also help on identifying and developing personal strengths.
• The development of a more positive perspective and increased access to details about past events, can be more supportive of future goal achievement and our ability to imagine and plan towards a better future.
• The ability to have positive memories about those we are in relationship with can enhance our willingness to engage (if it is safe to do so).

Some things we can do to influence this process

Practice remembering events but focus on remembering as much detail as you can and giving attention to positive material associated with the memory. This builds your general ability to increase the detail and find positive elements when retrieving autobiographical memories, which is protective against mental health disorders.

Cue your retrieval. Like with perceptual data, we often find what we are looking for. If you are looking for negative elements you will find them, but if you are looking for positive elements you will also find them. Think of a positive aspect of the memory you are about to recall and then press play to start remembering.

When retrieving significant life memories, particularly ones which you felt had a negative effect on you, look for your positive qualities and abilities. Focus on strengths in how you coped, even if coping was really just surviving. This can help to re-frame the memory and its associated impact on your self-esteem. This also increase the resources available in imagining future events.

When a retrieved memory is distressing, try changing the view from first person to that of an observer, and notice if this decreases emotional intensity. There is research to support that this can reduce distress.

An important note, if in undertaking any of the steps above you experience overwhelm, then I would suggest stopping and contacting a mental health professional.

In finishing

Our memory processes are adaptive and are designed to support our survival and flourishing. Increasing your awareness that memory retrieval is a constructive process enables you to be aware of the implications of this, and to know how to use this to increase the quality of your life.

Any comment or feedback on your own experience of this is appreciated and valued.

Take care

Scott

The term narcissist is often used to describe people who appear highly self-absorbed and are focused on their own self-importance at any cost. Being able to better understand their motives for being this way, and possibly what led them to this, might be helpful. It might make it easier to practice self-care around them. Or even to interact with and be in a relationship with them. That is if you wish to, and it is safe to do so. If you relate to narcissistic traits, it might enable you to offer yourself self-compassion and possibly to seek help. Read this article on understanding narcissists.

Recap on Personality

A theme of my work is developing self awareness, and with this awareness the possibility of more flexible responses. Narcissism is an example of a group of related thoughts and behaviours which can significantly limit someone’s ability to be aware of, and respond flexibly to situations. Note as I have written previously, personality traits are changeable but they require varying degrees of awareness and flexibility in order to do so.

What is narcissism ?

First a definition. Narcissism is the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one’s idealised self image and attributes. Like other qualities or traits, it exists on a continuum. There is a level of healthy narcissism. On the other extreme there is Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which is considered a mental health disorder.

In more recent times it has been found that there are two types of narcissists; grandiose and vulnerable. For both the belief that one is better than others is common. Grandiose is the better known type, and for these the focus is on manipulating the outside world to be consistent with this view. The vulnerable type require validation from others that this superior belief is true, but as they are unable to trust the opinion of others. Therefore they exist in an almost constant state of distress and fear.

Why do people become narcissists ?

Many mental heath disorders, which would include personality disorders, are due to lack of self-regulation and / or a healthy sense of self. These two critical life skills are meant to develop during early life. Research suggests that a significant contribution to narcissism is parenting styles. Typically factors such as parental warmth, or invalidation. Interestingly invalidation can include parental over-evaluation (ie you are the best artist, soccer player, singer etc) which can result in the sense that a superior self is what is required to be accepted.

If you consider narcissism as an adaptation, then it can be easier to understand the behavior of narcissists. Their focus is on self due to the need to support an inflated self that was developed in childhood. From a psychological perspective, threats to our sense of self are equivalent to physical threat. When looked at this way it is understandable why the narcissist must focus on themselves, and is therefore unavailable for others.

What is it really like to be a narcissist ?

While narcissists from an outsiders perspective can be compared to an almost infant like self-centredness, it is equally a curse for those suffering from this.

Grandiose Narcissists

Lets look at the grandiose narcissists first. These are often the ones that most people refer to when they talk about narcissists. In response to being given a message that they are superior and that their sense of self is based on this, they now need to protect that sense of self. Like all adaptive strategies they become good at this. Whilst this is protective of their self-esteem, it is done at the cost of shutting off closeness to others, being unable to be vulnerable and needing to constantly manipulate others to support their superiority beliefs. It is often destructive of any potentially healthy intimate relationships.

Vulnerable Narcissists

The other kinds of narcissist, the vulnerable narcissist, is equally self-absorbed but many not seem so to others. They also have a superior perspective of themselves developed to protect themselves in childhood, but they need others to affirm this as there is an awareness that this created self-image may not be true. Even when given positive feedback from others the critical part of themselves won’t accept this. They are perpetually stuck in a space of low self-esteem and a sense that there is nothing they can do to fix this. They can often be found in the helping profession as it offers the possibility of being constantly affirmed by clients, but they still struggle to accept this. To make matters worse they can also struggle with boundaries and hence are prone to taking on their clients emotions.

What can be done ?

Normally, due to a mistrust of others and a fear of being vulnerable, those with narcissism will not come to therapy. For grandiose narcissists, they may be coerced by significant other such as partners to come. Vulnerable narcissists are more likely to come of their own choosing due to the distress and fear they experience. Therapy has been proven to work in some situations. Some of the typcial goals of therapy being to help the client to develop a greater awareness of their behaviors in a safe place, and to develop a more healthy sense of self.

In finishing

Hopefully this article has left you with a better understanding of what narcissism is. Possibly and more more importantly a sense of why people become narcissists and what it would be like for someone suffering from a clinical level of these traits. You may now be able to have more empathy, and also to maintain strong boundaries around narcissists. If you identify strongly with these traits you may be able to offer yourself compassion, hope and the possibility of taking action.

Take care.

Scott

It is the time of year where a greater number of people reflect on the year that was and their hope for the next one. This article offers a way of utilizing this time to put in place changes that will benefit you in many ways. From the aspect of seeking and achieving sustainable changes. From a mental health perspective, being both protective of mental illness and supportive of positive mental health. Finally, and most importantly, from the perspective of overall life satisfaction, relationships and internal consistency. Read this article for more information and details of a five step process on how to Become Yourself. One you can start immediately.

If you prefer listening click on this link to an approx. 9.5 minute Podcast version of this article.

Why Become Yourself ?

Many people use the end of the year to set goals in their life for the next year. These are often around achieving something new, or giving up something. There is no doubt that for some people this process can be highly motivating. For many others this process is not as successful. For others even the thought of doing this is distressing.

As a psychologist, my main objectives in working with people are to reduce distress, increase functioning, and help people make positive changes in their life, if they choose to. My suggestion for end of year goal setting would seem on the surface to be counter-intuitive. To set a goal to become a more authentic you. To Become Yourself. I encourage you to look at your life and reflect on the adaptations you have made. Some made sense in early-life, or in previous environments, but now maybe they don’t serve you so well. Some adaptations have been to fit in. To fit in to work environments or family environments where there was an element of dysfunctionality. Again, maybe they can be let go of now.

Many people I work with in the therapeutic environment hold on to beliefs about themselves that no longer serve them. For some these beliefs now cause them distress and / or limit their progression in life. In working with them I will often assist them to challenge these. Another thing that my clients often discover is a number of strengths they posses but possibly haven’t noticed or owned. For others there are parts of themselves that they had suppressed. These might represent some lovely qualities, or innate talents that would be very sensitive to other’s opinions.

One of the skills we also work on is the development of mental flexibility. This can broaden the range of thoughts and feelings that someone can tolerate and cope with. In general it is a protective factor for those wishing to improve their lives. In adopting mental flexibility a less judgmental view is taken. There is an opportunity to be compassionate, kind and curious when reflecting and exploring your inner world.

Five Step Process for Becoming Yourself

So Becoming Yourself can be achieved through five steps.

1) Preparation

Find a time and space where you can be present and stay foccussed on yourself.

Utilize the mental flexibility skills of acceptance, kindness and curiosity. Find a blank sheet of paper and draw four vertical lines, breaking the sheet into four equals sections. At the top of each section, write headings as follows:

1) Who I have become : 2) How I have adapted 3) What I have protected 4) What I would like to reclaim and / or am willing to drop in 2019

2) Become self-aware of how you define yourself now

Write down the qualities and behaviors that define you. Maybe what you tell yourself in your internal dialogue, or how you describe yourself to others. Write these in section 1.

3) Consider are there are any adaptations that no longer serve you and can be dropped

Have you had to adapt in ways to survive based on difficult early life experiences, or even later life relationships. Do these circumstances no longer exist so it is safe to drop these. Like a coast of armour you no longer need. Write these in section 2.

4) Are there parts of yourself that you have disowned or buried to protect yourself

Similarly, are there parts of you so that you had to protect from others or outside circumstances. Maybe it was part of you that was heavily criticised by others. Maybe it is a soft and vulnerable part that you still unsure about bringing out. Write these in section 3.

5) Review the list and consider

Look at section 2 first. If there are any qualities you would like to drop, and it is safe to do so, write these in section 4. Look at section 3. Are there any qualities you would like to nurture in 2019, then write these in section 4. Section 4 can be considered your goals, or new years resolution for 2019, but with a catch. Please pursue them with self-kindness and compassion. Progress is success and should be applauded. Relapse is expected. Without this approach goals can be a source of self-criticism and shame.

In Finishing

Becoming Yourself is a life long journey. Human’s are highly adaptive creatures that maintain our evolutionary roots of focusing on threat detection and management. Becoming yourself requires a more holistic perspective in terms of being willing to challenge often very rigid rules and beliefs. These will have been developed over the course of your life so far. The benefits aside from growth and heading in the direction of your hopes and dreams are better mental health. As a therapist I do not take lightly what this process might involve for each of you. If you start to experience significant distress PLEASE engage a mental health professional. This is not a sign of failure, but an opportunity to offer yourself self-compassion and esteem. You deserve it !!

Thank you for reading, enjoy, take care and I wish you a wonderful 2019.

PS Comments and feedback are always greatly appreciated. I am also a work in progress.

More reading

Self-schemas – redefine yourself and change your life

Re-storying can change your life

Finding your Strengths

One of the themes of my articles is to discuss topics that increase awareness of your internal thought processes. With awareness you have the possibility of making changes if your current circumstances are not working and  / or causing you distress. Or if you  wish to grow.  Whilst this article is focused on one aspect in our society of the impacts of implicit biases, there are many more. 

What Are They?

Unconscious (or implicit) biases are learned stereotypes that are automatic, unintentional,  and able to influence behavior. They relate to how we classify people who belong to a particular social group. These groups are often based on race, gender or ability and disability. The purpose of implicit biases is to allow very fast threat detection and assessment. Based on our evolutionary roots, our survival was based on how quickly we could determine if something we have noticed in our immediate environment was a threat, and then take evasive action.  What we sometimes refer to as “the fight or flight” response.

The Problem 

As many of these biases operate below our conscious level we may not be aware of them. Often when asked our opinion on subjects relating to sensitive topics such as race or gender, we may offer  what we think would be an desirable or acceptable opinion to have. The problem is this may not reflect what our implicit bias is. We may say we have no issues with people of a particular race, but when walking down the street, without thinking, we may tense up when passing someone of that race.  When we see someone of a particular gender we may change our gaze or body language. If asked why we did we can’t offer a rational reason, In fact our reaction might go against what we consider to be our strongly held beliefs.  

One Example of the Effect of Implicit Biases

The topic of under-representation of women and minority groups in specific parts of society was in the media again today. In particular in the area of Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics (STEM). Australia’s Women in STEM Ambassador, Professor Lisa Harvey-Smith, was commenting on the key issues regarding women’s under-representation in STEM. She mentioned implicit biases as one of them. This article from the MIT News discussed this problem in STEM in more detail, and tables some of the research behind it.

How Do We Find Them ?

These biases are held often at an unconscious level and therefore the normal psychometric testing tools such as self-reporting test will not uncover these. This is because people will often answer as to how they think they would respond, as opposed to how they actually do. For those who are willing, I suggest taking the Harvard Implicit Association Test. This will enable you to become more aware of your own biases.

More Information

My article on cognitive biases also discusses this topic more broadly. It includes  some strategies on how to counter the effect of biases, including implicit ones. 

In Finishing

Implicit biases are unavoidable as they are an in-built part of our threat detection and assessment system. What is changeable, with awareness, is their activation, and our response to them. In particular how we think and act. 

Enjoy, and as always if you know someone who would benefit from this article, please share it. Thanks Scott

Anger and frustration are part of the human condition, but what they are triggered by is unique in each of us. Understanding these triggers has the benefit of helping us to manage our reaction. Equally importantly is that it provides a key to understanding our limits and boundaries, and growing beyond them, if it makes sense to do so. Read this article to understand your anger and for details of another process to follow for growth.

Understand Your Anger –  A Key to Growth

Part of the human condition is a drive for certainty and this is driven by our evolutionary roots. A big part of animal life is threat detection and management. To accurately determine and evaluate a threat we need certainty. In this context rigid rules and boundaries allow fast and accurate assessment of threats. When a threat is detected, and one in which a fight response is appropriate, then a strong emotion such as anger is needed. The physiological arousal associated with anger is designed to trigger a strong physical response.

 Unlike animals, we have access to higher level strategies, such as cognitive reappraisal. These enable us to review threat related decisions, and respond in different ways, whereas animals can only choose from fight, flight or freeze.

Personal growth often occurs as a result of our willingness to be flexible and to extend ourselves into unknown territories. Also a number of mental health issues relate to having inflexibile rules and boundaries.  Developing your mental flexibility is a protective factor against this.

If you are looking to extend your world and / or increase your flexibility it is important to know the boundaries of your world. There boundaries are generally defined by very rigid rules and thinking.

The easiest way to find them is to look at the things that anger and frustrate you the most.

For example:

If you hate people being late then time is a strong boundary.

If you don’t like people to push in when there is queue, or even bend the rules, then compliance is a strong boundary.

If criticism from others, even when it is constructive, makes you feel angry then needing to be right is a strong boundary.

There is nothing wrong in having these boundaries. Knowing what they are and that they are self-imposed opens up the possibility of changing them, if it is of benefit. It is also useful to note that we often impose these same standards and rules on ourselves.

For example someone who hates people being late would typically experience a lot of frsutration when they are waiting somewhere for someone to turn up. Without that boundary the frustration  does not exist. Also needing to be on time might translate into being overly early and losing the benefit of time that could be spent doing other things.

If you have a strong need to be right then maybe you deflect the potential; benefits that some criticism would offer you. Also you may not try things where you think you won’t be right, and maybe lose a learning or extension opportunity.

If compliance is a big source of frustration then maybe you lose out on opportunities that could be created by non-compliance. Innovation can be an outcome from non-compliance or non-conformance.

How to Understand your Anger

The following is a process to understand your boundaries, their impact, and an opportunity to review them and maybe to apply them more flexibly.

Step 1

Write down on a sheet of paper the top 3 or 5 things other people do that annoy you the most.

Step 2

For each of the things in step 1, rewrite them starting with Is it not ok for me to…. and end with the thing that frustrates you.

Step 3

For each of the new sentences constructed in the previous step, reflect on what this means if you do these things.

Step 4

Reflect on the accuracy of the previous statements in steps 1 or 2. Do they apply in all situations.

An example

Step 1 – I get frustrated when people break the rules

Step 2 – It is not ok for me to break the rules

Step 3 – If I break the rules people will be angry with me / not like me etc etc

Step 4 – Is this true that under all situations ? Will people really be angry with me or not like me if I break a rule ? Under what situations would breaking a rule be beneficial to me ? Also, if others break the rule, could I try to manage the feeling of frsutration in my body and sit with it. What is the outcome if I do this?  Maybe if I do this then how I respond is more approprariate.

In Finishing…

In developing our sense of who we are in the world, it is inevitable that we define boundaries and rules to live by. If we wish to maximise potential, and to protect our mental health, it is important to be conscious of them. If we are then we have the ability to be flexible in their application, if it is of benefit to us.

I challenge you to try this see what a difference it makes. As always, if you experience significant distress in undertaking any of these activities please STOP and connect with a mental health professional.

Enjoy and take care

Scott

Christmas is getting closer and it is a season of extremes. Extreme consumption, extreme acts of kindness and generosity, and extreme emotions. Whilst I hope that each of you enjoy some moments of extreme happiness and joy, this article will help you in dealing with the other side of the emotional spectrum and knowing how to survive Christmas psychologically.

How to survive Christmas Psychologically

Christmas can be a wonderful time of year full of gratitude, love and connection. For those with a Christian faith it also has a deep spiritual meaning.

As a therapist I also see the other side of it. Unrealistic expectations and the need to re-engage with toxic people and relationships can result in an increase in psychological symptoms. It can even be the cause of deep distress and trauma for some. Problematic thoughts of self, and unhelpful cognitive biases can easily trigger strong emotions.

In this article I will explore what I have found are some of the more problematic themes and some ideas on how to offset their impact

Theme 1 – Everyone is happy at Christmas

As part of preparing us for unrestricted purchasing, media and retail outlets change their themes of music and images to one of happiness. Creating a picture that associates Christmas with happiness.

This is very manipulative and an impossible standard to live up to. Life continues over this period with its normal ups and downs. If you find yourself feeling distressed by your perceived inability to live up to this standard then practice self-care. Techniques such as mindfulness help to disconnect from this unrealistic thought. Physical exercise and participating in activities that do make you feel good are also recommended,

Theme 2 – There is a direct correlation between the gifts you give and receive and your connection and relationship with people

The basis of this strategy is as per point one. Retail outlets are desperate to increase sales in this period and hence the idea of unrestricted and often unsound levels of purchase is encouraged.

For many families the impact of this strategy is felt through the rest of the year in increased debt and an inability to cover normal family expenses. Often the internal cause of connecting with this thought are our own insecurities. It we are able to have an internal sense of self-esteem then we are less likely to engage with this theme. Reflecting on what we offer as a person to the people around us, and how we are valued can be a way of reducing this anxiety.

Theme 3 – Family means love

There is a lot of imagery of the family Christmas get together and everyone getting on. That this getting together also represents the epitome of love. It suggests that anything less than this is not in the ‘Christmas spirit’.

My experience as a psychologist is that Christmas does not cure previously toxic or abusive relationships. The best strategy here is self-protection. Only engage with people to the extent it is safe to do so. For people who do not respect your boundaries try to minimse contact. If you choose to engage then do so to the degree you are comfortable. Sometimes using the imagery of having an internal vulnerable child and you being the parents who decides what is safe for it, is useful. For family members where there has been historical abuse, of any kind, it is your right to avoid contact.

Theme 4 – You should be kind and love everyone in the “spirit” of Christmas

Anther key message is that we should be kind and show love to others. This is one of the few message that has a more deeper basis, particularly for those whose meaning of Christmas is faith based.

This message can be very confusing as it does encourage moments of generosity and compassion which can be beneficial to everyone. Like with the previous themes become aware and know your limits. If you feel it is causing you distress and putting you in harms way emotionally, than this is your bodies way of saying stop, and listen to it. Find another way that can achieve the same benefits but without harm to yourself.

Before finishing I would agree that an increased capacity to show compassion and kindness is not a bad thing. I would like to note that it can be a time to reflect and to make positive changes in your relationships and outlook. But only if it isn’t done to the detriment of your emotional safety and mental health.

In finishing

My angle on Christmas is that it is a more emotionally intense time and the themes above reflect this. I hope that some of the strategies above might be useful to you. A heightened focus on self-care is appropriate as a way of reducing any distress associated with this time. As always, if you find yourself not coping, seeking outside support is important. Whether this be your support network or engaging with a mental health professional.

Take care and if you know others who are vulnerable at this time of year, please share this article.

Scott

PS Comments or feedback are greatly appreciated. At the bottom of the article below, on FB, or via e-mail [email protected]

Have you ever noticed a voice in your head that is excessively critical of you.  Even where there is no evidence in the present that supports its view.   Do you find it limits possibilities in your life. Does it remind you of a voice from someone in your early life.  If so, you have met your inner critic. This article will help you in working with your inner critic, and to grow beyond it.

Working with your Inner Critic

I wrote in a previous article about the idea that multiple voices in our head is not a sign of insanity, but the reality of a healthy psyche. I have also talked about working on the self, and even looking at your automatic thoughts. Many of my clients struggling with aspects of their lives often get to meet their inner critic. For those of you not in therapy, it does exist  for the majority of people, but maybe its impact on your life at the moment is minimal.

Below is a process which you can use to start working with your inner critic.

A caution If this starts to bring up strong emotions and / or distress then I suggest immediately stopping and engaging with a mental  health professional or service.

 Steps to Working with your inner critic

Consider yourself as an observer

In going through the subsequent  steps,  become curious and imagine you are observing the inner critic.  Maybe you are a reporter who has been tasked with writing an article on your inner critic.  Imagine it as a separate entity to you.  You don’t need to judge it or defend it, just observe.

Impact of the inner critic

Consider what impact the inner critic has on your life. What things does it stop you from doing.  Does it limit the number and depth of your relationships. Does it result in anxiety, sadness or frustration in life.

Key message / voice  of the inner critic

See if you can find the key message it tells you. Does it say you can’t do something. Your not smart. People don’t like you? When you try something  this is how it will end.  Its messages can sometimes be identified through the fact that they are  very generalised and very black and white.  It uses words like ‘always’, ‘everybody’, ‘nobody’, ’ and ‘never’.  Also, does it represent a particular voice in early life. Maybe one of your parents  and  you have now internalised their voice.

Intent of the inner critic

Its intent is usually to protect us from the  perceived unknowns of the outside world. In particular things that might expose us to negative emotions or reduce our sense of self-worth.  The inner critic is often formed early in life at a stage where we are more vulnerable to others and have reduced cognitive and emotional resources.  At these points in our life the certainty and protection it can provide  seems  more useful

Making peace with the inner critic

In therapy this process if often around acknowledging and affirming it for its efforts, but suggesting that it can take it easy.  This step may seem odd. I have found   particularly  with clients in therapy that without this step,  a part of our inner self  will continue  to fight for its voice, and this can result in set-backs and sabotages.

Growth

This is the final and most exciting part of the process. Starting to operate without these messages creates new opportunities It also offers less distress. Initially you may find the messages still exist but they have less influence.  Previously  they would have worked almost subconsciously,  but now you can notice them and dispute them.

Without those key messages identified in an earlier step, we are free to try new and deeper relationships. To have new experiences and to develop new  capabilities.  Failure and negative emotions are also a possible outcome,  but they are not a certainty.

In Finishing

As I suggested at the beginning  of this article, recognising and working with the multiple parts, or voices, of self,  is key to healthy growth. The inner critic  is another part which developed at some point in our life with the intent of protecting us. In recognising its impact, its purpose and messages, we are able to acknowledge it and move beyond it.  The growth and possibility this process offers us can be quite substantial .

If you feel this article would benefit someone you know, please share it. Thank you.  

Feedback from others is a normal part of human life. Many people find receiving negative feedback particularly difficult. To some degree this can be due to how it is given. This is an important  aspect of feedback, but not one I am covering in this article. From a psychological perspective, I would suggest  it is also due to how we receive and process it.  This article will help you to understand the process you go through when receiving negative feedback, and some ideas about to change this.  You will then be better at handling negative feedback, and gaining  the benefits it offers.

Handling Negative Feedback

Before launching into this subject further, I do acknowledge that there is malicious  feedback which is designed to hurt us and is never acceptable. I differentiate this from feedback from people who have our best interests in mind, at least some of the time, such as partners, family, good friends, work colleagues and managers. From observing us they can offer us insight about ourselves that we might never see..

If we view ourselves as adaptive creatures who are capable of learning, then negative feedback is essential to our optimal functional . As social beings we need to interact with others for survival, and often to collaborate with other to undertake tasks. We need to be able to be aware of the impact of our interactions and efforts. We need to know when these  are not achieving the desired outcomes so we can take corrective action.

Conversely, we have a number of self-defence mechanisms designed to protect us from perceived damage to the self which can be caused by negative feedback. As psychological damage to our self-image can provide a similar reaction to physical damage, these self-defence mechanism can be like missile systems designed to blow the incoming negative feedback out of the sky.

These two conflicting perspectives on negative feedback suggest there can be important benefits of it that we can lose if our default position is activating our defence system.

In looking at process of receiving negative feedback there are a number of process at play as seen in the diagram below.

Challenges and Tips of Process steps

Interpretation of Feedback.

As the first step this is often the most problematic for many people. In fact it can feel like this step happens in the blink of an eye, before going to the next step. We will often decide what is the intent of the other person, otften negative, with minimal interpretation of the message, and move straight to the next step of emotional response. If we are aware of our sensitivities in relation to our self, and how these  bias our thinking, then we can slow this step down. We can then come up with a more constructive interpretation of the feedback, and of the person giving the feedback’s intent.. This might reduce the intensity of the emotional response.

Emotional Response

This response is generally consistent with our interpretation of the feedback in relation to our self-worth. If we consider it a direct attack on our sense of self, then we will have a strong emotional response. If we view it as neutral then the emotional response will be neutral.

Self-regulation

In the human brain we have the capacity to develop an ability to regulate our emotions through more sophisticated cognitive circuits. As this is a learned ability the capacity of each individual to do this, and what strategies we use will vary considerably. Strategies such as cognitive re-appraisal allow us to take another look at the situation and potential reduce our emotional response. Suppression can also result in a down regulation of response, but it might have other consequences…

Decision about  Self defence

If we have interpreted the negative feedback as as attack on our sense of self, and we have been unable to self-regulate, then it is likely we will move on to activate self-defence. If we have held a neutral position on the feedback in relation to our sense of self, or we have been able to self-regulate through reappraisal, then it is like that we will move to process and learn.

Activate self-defence

In self-defence it can also be like war has been declared. For some people, physical or verbal assault might be considered appropriate responses. Other strategies commonly used include withdrawal, retaliating  via  responding with negative feedback, or sabotaging.  Whilst some of these strategies are better options in the moment, all of them will have some impact on our relationship with that person.

Process and learn

If we arrive at this step then we gain the benefits of negative feedback. A chance to reflect, improve and grow. In this step we can consider what the feedback relates to in regards to our behaviour. After considering external factors and / or unique circumstances, we can decide if and what we could be differently next time. Learning and adaption is achieved.

In finishing….

Leaning to receive and process useful feedback, including negative feedback, can make a big difference to our lives. In respect to the growth and learning if offers. It also avoids the impact of unnecessary activation of our self-defence systems on our relationships and other people we come in contact with.

I recommend that you start by becoming aware of how you respond to negative feedback and what steps you typically go through. Once you have done this, in situations when you find you are not happy with the outcomes of your response both to you and others, you can alter the process and start to change your response.

Best of luck, and I’m open to any thoughts , experiences or feedback on this article. .