Perfectionism can cause significant distress for individuals who identify with this. It can also be the cause of relationship conflict in many domains, such as work and close personal relationships. In contrast there are also benefits associated with perfectionism.  This article will help you to understand perfectionism, and a  way to identify if it is a problem. It also provides some tips for dealing with these problems.

What is Perfectionism?

Wikipedia provides the following definition of perfectionism.

In psychology, it is a personality trait characterized by a person’s striving for flawlessness and setting high performance standards, accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others’ evaluations.

Perfectionism  is a commonly used term but it is also multi-dimensional. Research tends to break perfectionism into main two parts; positive achievement striving and negative evaluation of self or others.

Many of humanity’s key achievements were probably due to at least the contribution of people with high performance standards. Because of the fact that perfectionism is linked to both positive outcomes and mental health issues, there has been a substantial amount of research on it. This has included how we can obtain the benefits and minimize any negative impacts. We want the people doing medical research, performing medical procedures  on our family, building bridges and tunnels etc, to set high standards and strive to achieve them. The construct of positive perfectionism has also been defined to take into account people who have the striving element, without the negative self-evaluation. Noting that this tendency for negative self-evaluation can impact happiness, create mental health issues and also damage relationships.

So if you consider yourself a perfectionist, or if there is someone in your life who is, what then ?

How to work out if your perfectionism is not so useful

Question 1 – Is it linked negatively to your self worth

Does your desire to be perfect stem from an inner belief that your value as a person is linked to your performance on tasks. Automatic thoughts that support the need to be perfect might be linked to a core belief that you are not lovable / worthy unless you do a perfect job. When you are undertaking the task, and in the time leading up to receiving external feedback, do you experience significant anxiety and stress as you wonder if this will be good enough ?

Question 2 – Does it cause issues with those around you

Do you find that often you don’t have sufficient time to complete the task to your standard.  Does this cause problems in your work  life or relationships with important others. Do you find yourself getting reprimanded for not meeting deadlines. Or in relationship, your not completing tasks on time being a cause of conflict?

Tips for Dealing with Perfectionism Problems

Self-esteem

If striving for perfection and / or not achieving it causes you distress then dependent on the severity of this stress and how it impacts your life, there are a variety of solutions. If the distress is severe or the impact is significant, they I would suggest engaging in psychotherapy. It can be very effective for this type of issue. Also any associated anxiety or depression can also be treated. For less severe distress or functioning, then beginning to work on self-esteem can help. Find ways to value yourself outside of your achievements. Look more broadly for your personal qualities beyond task achievement. 

Time impact

If not having enough time to complete tasks is an impact of your perfectionism, then start to communicate how much time you need, and negotiate with the other person or people involved. Appreciate that in some situations you will need to negotiate why spending the extra time is beneficial .In some cases you will not be successful in getting the extra time. In these cases you will need to manage any associated distress.  If you can do this then you will develop the capacity to choose when you wish to use your striving for perfectionism.

In finishing…….

Perfectionism can be a positive quality that supports the achievement of significant  accomplishments. If you posses the striving associated with perfectionism, and  can minimize any  negative impacts, then great things are possible, and not at the expense of your happiness or mental health.

If you have particular thoughts which you feel limit your life satisfaction or sabotage your personal goals then maybe you have problematic automatic thoughts. This article explores what these are, their origin and proves a process for you to identify your own, and take control of your thoughts.

How to take control of your thoughts

As humans, whilst we are capable of holding within our mind  a huge number of ideas, thoughts memories etc, it is our attention resources which are much more limited. Compounding this further is  an evolutionary preference for making fast decisions. Is that a tiger approaching us in the distance or one of our friends?  Not a problem most of us face on a regular basis,  but one we have been designed to deal with. Whilst we possess a much more capable and complex brain than other species, we often take shortcuts to make a decision and these impact the quality of our decisions. In a previous article I explored cognitive biases.  In this article  I will expand on automatic thoughts and the associated beliefs they are based on.  Just a qualifier that not all automatic thoughts are problematic. It is the ones that cause us distress or limit our possibilities which will benefit from this analysis.

What Are Problematic Automatic Thoughts

As a therapist, I  often see the extreme end of problematic automatic thoughts. This might be someone responding to the outside world  in a way that doesn’t reflect their reality. They might have underlying beliefs (I’ll explain this a both more later) that they are not worthy / lovable / are enough. Based on these beliefs they hold automatic thoughts that they should avoid people, not trust them, not attempt things etc. Often this doesn’t reflect their outside reality  which says that they are capable people and have friends that value them> Often in their adult life they have no evidence to support this belief. As a therapist I  work with them to understand the basis for this beliefs, often formed in early childhood.  I help them to be willing to challenge,  in a safe way, their beliefs, and build new thoughts that reflect their current reality. Whilst for most people these automatic thoughts do not cause them enough distress to need to seek professional help.  They still  may impact your overall life satisfaction,  or they may be limiting you achieving the goals you are sett for yourself.  This might be enough reason to go through the process I outlined below.

Understanding your problematic automatic thoughts and their origins

This is a three step process.

1 -Identify the automatic thought

2 -Identify the rule of assumption behind it,

3- Find the core belief .

This example is one a client bought to therapy recently.  The background to this client is that she is  very successful and competent in her profession, but found it difficult to seek advice and guidance from others in areas in which she was not knowledgeable.  She came to therapy because this was  stopping her from achieving a personal goal. She wanted to write a book and this required her to find and work with experts in that field.

1 – Identify the automatic thought

The automatic thought she uncovered  is “I need to be wary of others as they will probably just take advantage of me and rip me off “.  This became particularly strong when she got to the point of contacting a book editor or publishing expert.  This thought stopped her from making the call. It was a rational thought but there was no evidence to support it.

2 – Identify the rule or assumption behind it

The rule or assumption is generally more difficult to find than the automatic thought. It is necessary as it provide a seemingly rational foundation for the thought. For this client as we explored further we found that her thought was based on the assumption that “People do things only to benefit themselves “.

3- Find the Core Belief

The core belief is sometimes held very deep in our psyche. This is because it is loaded with significant emotional meaning and was often formed based on significant distress. In this case when  we looked at the client’s  early life  we found a theme of not feeling valued as herself. Her experience of childhood was not being loved for herself and only experiencing  love  when she did things for her parents or others. Her core belief was  “I’m not worth being looked after”.

So in summary for this client:

AUTOMATIC THOUGHT I need to be wary of others as they will probably just take advantage of me and rip me off

RULES / ASSUMPTION People do things only to benefit themselves

CORE BELIEF I’m not worth being looked after

Once you have identified these three pieces of information and the links between them, then you can start looking at the evidence that supports them. You can also start thinking and behaving in a way that challenges them. This then builds evidence and the automatic thoughts start to lose their influence.

Caution

If you find that when you start approaching the core belief you experience significant emotional distress then I suggest stopping and seeking the services of a qualified and experienced therapist.

 In finishing…

Resilience and cognitive flexibility are key abilities which can increase your life satisfaction and protect again mental health issues. Noticing your automatic thoughts allows you to understand and explore them. If you find that they are limiting your happiness or stopping you from achieving your goals then you might find the process  above is useful. In general, the more we practice these high order cognitive skills the easier they become to use and the better our lives become.

If you know of anyone struggling with problematic automatic thoughts, consider showing your support by sharing this article.

Boredom is a normal human emotion that we all experience at times. It is also purposeful. It signifies to us a need to increase challenge level / and or meaning in the context of the activity which is resulting in the feeling of boredom. Learning how to acknowledge and respond to these signals can increase your effectiveness in completing the boredom provoking task. It can also enable you to use boredom as a tool to support reflection, and to make positive changes in your life and increase your happiness.

 About boredom…

Boredom has a very bad reputation. For a start it is not a pleasant experience. From a psychological perspective it is associated with increased risk taking and anti-social behaviour. Like all emotions it is purposeful. I will explore boredom further in this article to uncover the benefits of boredom, and enable you to capitalise  on these.

Boredom is a normal human emotion and like all emotions its primary purpose is to provide a signal to us that action is required.  As an emotion it is a negative one, but considered not as unpleasant  as say  sadness or anger. It  can be experienced with other emotions such as sadness and frustration. Research suggests that’s its points of  difference are a feeling of not being challenged, and that of current activities lacking meaning. An aspect of boredom is  often an inability to stay focused on the current activity.  So the purpose of boredom is to signal to  us to take action around lack of challenge or meaning. I could be argued that our attention wandering  can be the starting point of this process.

Is being bored useful?

You may be thinking that as part of my job there is this really boring administration task  which I hate doing, but if I refuse to do it I could lose my job. If I wasn’t so bored it would be easy to do this, so how is being bored beneficial ?

I would agree in the current moment it can seem less useful, although it is a sign that action needs to be taken to increase the likelihood of completing the task. There may be a need to either modify the task  or to as least connect with the broader meaning of the task. Sometimes just varying the sequence of component tasks constitutes a variation to your brain, and in response to this it will refocus attention to the task  The ability to build these skills will enable you to undertake tasks of this nature in the future.

TIP: Vary tasks that you consider boring in a minor way. This will force your brain to re-engage attention in response to the change. 

Outside of the current moment, it can be a signal to review your goals and activities. An opportunity to consider what meaning is to you and / or what challenges you.  Research supports  the benefit of boredom in respect to pro-social behaviour. This benefit could equally be extended to being a motivator to many other positive behaviours. Boredom can inspire innovation, creativity and major life achievements.

If part of the experience of being human is to have a sense of purpose and meaning, then boredom can be a very useful, albeit uncomfortable, stimulation to  find meaning in your life and to see  what it is you wish to achieve. It might mean a change of activity, but it may also mean a change of perspective. If you can find meaning in the “boring” activities required to achieve a bigger goal then you are better able to complete them.

A related concept to boredom is boredom proneness. This term was created to acknowledge and measure individual difference in becoming bored in various situations. Not everyone will be bored in a given situation or performing a given task. Things that affect boredom proneness include self-regulation and your relationship with goal setting and achievement.  If  we have a sense and a track record of finding meaning and taking action, then boredom is less likely to be a problem. If you think this is a challenge for you then I suggest reviewing my previous articles on hope, procrastination and realistic goal planning.

In Finishing….

So let’s say you find yourself at work tomorrow feeling bored and starting to have associated feelings of fear and dread as you struggle to finish a time bound activity. Respond to your boredom by acknowledging it and considering it purposeful. This might enable you to redesign or vary the task, or even to contextualize it in terms of a bigger goal.  It may even motivate you to reflect further later, and to come up other ways of redesigning the task,, and to find additional meaning in the task. Or to make other changes in your life in terms of direction and / or goals, which increase your life satisfaction and happiness.

Would you like to change your personality?

The idea of personality was created to identify and define individual difference. It is useful in some circumstances. Its limits are that it can lock people into particular types of thinking, feeling and behaviour where changes these would be beneficial.  This article looks at the origins of personality and provides some tips on how to extend yourself beyond the limits of it.

I regularly meet people in therapy who feel that their lack of ability to do things differently is due to their personality.  ‘I  wish I could do things differently but I am an introvert.  Or  ’ I’m just one of those people who doesn’t like change’. Or even, ‘I put up with this because I have a compliant personality’. Personality  is another huge area of psychological theory and research and stems from our desire to define individual difference in people.  An official definition is the combination of characteristics, or qualities, that form an individual’s distinctive character. It is believed that these characteristics  would stay the same over a person’s life and in different situations (iie under stress, in  everyday life etc).   There are a number of different theories as it is difficult to absolutely define what these characteristics or should be. The “Big five” is the most common one.

Introduction to Personality

The original idea behind personality was to identify what were the consistent differences between people. It was driven by a desire to fit people into  jobs and professions that they would be the most effective at and the most satisfied with. It has been carried forward into others such as schools and more broadly to determine how people would react or respond in different situations. I believe that like all good theories it is useful some times, and other times not. The challenge is to know the difference.

For the people who come into therapy, constrained by their perceived personality to make changes that would help their life, it is not so useful. So good news. Personality change is possible and even more recent research supports it. The even better news it that it is not difficult, but it is challenging.

It is not difficult because it just requires us to change our thinking and behaviour, which we can do at any moment. It is challenging because  there can be a lot of internal resistance.

The introvert mentioned earlier has over time developing a lot of supporting thoughts and ideas to substantiate being an introvert. These thoughts are then supported by our feelings and sometimes our body. An example is if I was an introvert then  a supporting thought might be that I don’t like being around people. To protect me from this situation I then develop a feeling of anxiousness and an associated body response of tightness in my chest.  This helps me to avoid these situations.

Conversely, someone who is not introverted  doesn’t have this thought, feeling or body response when they walk into the same situation. These two people may in fact have the same underlying ability to function in this environment; i.e social skills, intellect etc,  but one will go into it, and one will avoid. Similarly those not liking change will develop an associated amount of supportive thoughts and feelings to avoid challenging this.

I am not saying we are all the same, but we all have the ability to extend our self beyond this definition, if we want to and chose to.

Would you life to change your personality? – Try this.

First a warning. If you find that embarking on this process causes you significant distress, as for a small amount of people personality characteristics may have developed in response to significant trauma, please contact a mental health professional.  

Step 1 – Choose a trait or characteristic you would like to change

This will normally be driven by what you consider something that constrains  you, or maybe has historically put you in difficult situations (i.e bad relationships or jobs etc)

Step 2 – Unpack the trait

If you want to change being introverted, consider what being introverted means to you in everyday life. How does it impact your behaviour?  What do you avoid, and what thoughts supports that behaviour?.

Step 3 – Consider why change it

If you weren’t defined by that trait what would it mean to you. What would be different in your life? How would it benefit you ? Is there any down side to changing it, aside from the change process itself?.

Step 4 – Make a small change

Chose a behaviour from step 2, and identify a small steps towards changing it.  It is very critical that this small step is achievable. If you don’t like being around people maybe put yourself in a situation where you are around people you know, but maybe a larger number than usual. Or commit to putting yourself in a situation with new people, but maybe only for 10 minutes. As a suggestion the solution focused approach outlined in a previous article can be useful. It supports small steps which create a sense that change is possible.

Repeat this step and over time you will notice that this trait is less dominant. You might find in more difficult situations you revert to the trait like behaviour, but in others you don’t.

Remember, each time you behave differently to the trait, you are in fact achieving personality change.

In finishing……

Personality reflects the human desire to be consistent and to avoid the anxiety of the unknown. It can be beneficial,  but like many things has it limits. The ability to extend yourself beyond this identify can increase your ability to respond flexibly to situations which itself is protective of mental health, It can also increase your life possibilities and your ability to cope with adverse life.  Would you like to change your personality? You can.

Like all human emotions, anxiety is adaptive and purposeful. If your anxiety is not sufficient to be at a clinical level,  but you do find it restricts your participation in some activities and / or achieving goals, then this article might help. If you want to be less affected by anxiety, then the tools below will help you in getting to know your own individual anxiety, and to look at challenging and changing the underlying fears and resulting behaviour.  

Why do we have anxiety ?

Anxiety is a   feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something. Like all feelings it is purposeful. Its purpose is to spur us to action to avoid future  threats that in the past have resulted in fear and / or stress for us.

Anxiety exists in a continuum and for some people it is so distressful and / or impacts normal life so severely that it is referred to as being at a clinical level, and referred to as a mental health disorder. For these people I would recommend contacting your doctor or a mental health professional for therapy and / or medication.

For those who are not at this level, it is still useful to know your anxiety. To understand what things trigger it, and the underlying fears it carries. Armed with this information, anxiety can remain become purposeful, but less distressing and less constraining.

Everyone’s anxiety is different as it is something that evolves as part of our life experience. Sometimes there is a hereditary aspect to it, but not necessarily biological. Things that our parents are anxious about many be transmitted by what they say, or their actions. For example, if our parents are scared of air travel they might tell us bad stories about airplane crashes. This makes us feel anxious when the thought of air travel is bought up, even in adulthood.

Or anxiety provoking situations might be the result of one bad experience at a job, with a friend, or doing some particular activity.  Whilst the intention of this type of anxiety is protective, there might not be a real risk to be protective of. In fact it might limit our options or constrain us from taking action to achieving particular goals we have. Or course in some cases it might protect us from repeating further risky behaviour. Not walking in a part of the city  late at night that is dangerous, and not slowing down on a particular road in the wet.

So how do we get to know our anxiety.

Well actually the same way we get to know a person. We ask questions and we listen.

Find yourself a quiet space and ask yourself the following questions:

• What are the things I get anxious about.
• On a scale of 0-10, where 10 represents maximum anxiety and 0 represents no anxiety, what rating do I give each of these things.
• For each of these, what is the fear behind the anxiety. What do I think will happen or not happen that results in the rating.
• What is the impact of my having this fear. How does it constrain or limit me.

This might seem strange, but when you have finished the above, thank your anxiety for looking after you and giving you this information.

What next ?

Now you know your anxiety and what it fears, when you are ready you can choose one or more of the above and take the next step. This step is to challenge your thinking behind the anxiety, and progressively put yourself in situations that re calibrate your anxiety level.

Challenging the thinking involves looking at the fear behind the anxiety and seeing how accurate it is in terms of past evidence, probability of occurring, and what is the realistic outcome if it did.  Once you have the evidence you can review the fear statement and rate the anxiety level based on the revised fear statement.

You can then progressively face your fear. Let’s say you have a fear or meeting new people and your rating was a 9. This historical rating was based on going to a party by yourself and spending the whole night by yourself.  So maybe a first step might be going out with a friend and asking them to invite someone you don’t know.  If it is about speaking in front of a crowd, maybe you can give a speech in your room by yourself and record it then watch it.

You can be creative as you wish with designing activities but the aim is to progressively face the fear but not to overwhelm yourself.

In finishing….

I have found this process works with clients in therapy and can profoundly change their anxiety and remove restrictions on their life. If you find this overwhelming or it triggers more severe anxiety symptoms, please see a mental health professional for assistance.

Further Reading

Re-storying Can Change Your Life

Self Schemas – Redefine Yourself and Change Your Life

This article looks at conflict and conflict resolution. It looks at the relational and communication challenges. In my experience these are the biggest obstacles, not just to conflict resolution, but they are often the cause of conflict. It provides tools and techniques for managing each of these obstacles, achieving better outcomes and relationships. These in my experience represent advanced techniques for managing conflict.

Background

There is a large number of articles on the subject of conflict and conflict resolution. This article is from a different perspective. When working with clients in therapy they often have found the standard approaches do not work. They were finding that whilst  on the surface all parties seemed to be engaging in the conflict resolution  process their subsequent actions did not reflect this. Or in conflict with people they were in close relationship with, the consequences of the conflict were out of proportion to what the conflict was about. My take on why this happens is that often the struggle with conflict is less about conflict. It is more about relationships, and our own beliefs about conflict. I will explore this more in this article.

Like many words in the English language there are a variety of definitions of conflict and I offer a few here:

1. A situation in which there are opposing demands or ideas and a choice has to be made between them:
2. A serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one.
3. Friction or opposition resulting from actual or perceived differences or incompatibilities.

The first definition reflects what on the surface conflict is. It is about opposing demands and choices. When this is the case, and in a small number of situation it is only this, using a forum that allows the objective voicing of all options, consultation and use of negotiation styles can resolve it. In the vast majority of conflict situations, particularly those that involve people with close personal relationship, but even in less intimate relationships such as in the workplace, the second and third definitions of conflict are more appropriate.

The surface level reason for the conflict becomes the battleground in which many psychological and emotional weapons of mass destruction can be thrown between the parties. In cases they can be as simple as unreasonable demands which are being requested purely for reasons of spite towards the other party.  I have seen projects in large organisations where relationship issues can result in the loss of large sums of money due to personal vendettas played out between members of a senior management team, or between a customer and a supplier.

Why is this so and what can we do ?

There is a relationship element to all human interactions.

When we meet someone we develop an opinion of them and ourselves in relationship to them. This can be enduring and it impacts all further interactions with that person.  The psychological basis for this assessment is to undertake threat assessment. This threat assessment is performed on many levels. It includes physical threat assessment as well as our threat to our sense of self, also known as our self esteem. Our self-esteem is a very significant factor in our well being. To the extent that research suggests that it even protects us from our fear of dying. In situations where we make an assessment that our self-esteem is at risk, we will respond very differently to where this is not the case. For example we will tend to put up walls and / or take a very adversarial approach to that person.  This is designed to protect out self-esteem,

To counter relationship issues being the cause of conflict or even conflict resolution, I would suggest looking at the relationship you have with those you are likely to come into conflict. Find ways of developing empathy. An investment in time to understand them and their motives and challenges, will most likely pay off in a number of ways, including in reduced conflict.

We bring to conflict beliefs about what conflict means to use and project these on to the conflict.

Attachment is another big area of psychological research. In a nut shell, out of early childhood if we experienced secure attachment with our primary caregivers we develop as part of this an ability to emotionally self-regulate. If not then we may unconsciously look to other to do this. This will often come up as anxiety in how we approach of interact with others. This will be heightened in situations of perceived conflict.

For those where this is a significant theme I would suggest looking an engaging in individual therapy. Where this is less severe then techniques such as mindfulness can help to manage emotional responses and enable us to work on this. Mindfulness is about being present, notice our body, feelings and thoughts. If we do this we can understand what thoughts are triggering strong feelings and develop strategies for managing them.

Good conflict resolution requires all parties to understand each other’s position and needs, and this is very difficult

In my experience effective communication happens infrequently. Sometimes it is the conditions but many times it is internal filters or noise that prevent this from happening. These factors are generally exaggerated in conflict situations.

Active listening is a great tool, as in order to understand someone else’s position we need to be in a position to receive and process it. Active listening includes a vast array of techniques and the three below are just some that you might find helpful.

Minimise filters – Quieten your mind from external and internal distraction. External are noises and other environmental factors. Internal distractions are other things you are thinking about.

Summarise and paraphrase – at appropriate times in the conversion reflect back your understanding of what has been said This says to the listener you are interested It also allows them to correct any misunderstandings.

Ask relevant  questions  – a relevant question is one designed to increase your understanding of what someone is saying. Not to lead the conversation away from it.

In finishing

 If you are successful in using these tools then conflict will be more of the resource conflict kind and will be resolved faster and will be more likely to leave all relationships intact. Also, you will find that you experience less conflict in the first place.

If you are attempting to deal with some life problems or achieving personal goals then a solution focused approach might be helpful.  This practical and realistic approach might be exactly what you need. Read on for more details and some ways to utilise this approach.    

What is a Solution Focused Approach

Solution Focused Therapy originated in the 70s and was considered at the time to be a radically different way of working with clients with problems. The client could still talk about the problem, but therapy quickly moved into finding solutions. The thinking behind this was that aside from the practical benefit of finding and implementing a solution, and more importantly exceptions to the problem, it also provided increased focus and attention to what was working.  The net result was a greater sense of hope, and access to the client’s strengths and resources.

This same approach can be taken outside of therapy when wishing to make progress in a particular part of life.  This is particularly the case when conventional goal setting approaches have not worked.  Maybe you have not been able to visualize yourself in the post solution state. Or maybe you have been stuck in that sense of not making progress and find yourself unmotivated to continue.

Types of problems / solutions it works best with

• Personal goals that require changes in beliefs and behaviour that are within your control.
• Subjective goals where it is hard to be specific in defining what the end goal is. Use of the miracle question enables you to define what if would be like if the goal was achieved (i.e  I want to feel happier about myself / my life, I want to be fitter, I want to have a job that I enjoy etc)

The Process

The key steps in the process are:

1 -Define the solution –  Imagine and visualise

A good question to ask yourself is called the miracle question. If you woke up tomorrow and the problem had gone way, and the solution was in place, what would  be different. How would you be able to tell. Imagine what you would be like. Who would be in your life and what you would be doing. The more detail you can come up with the better as this will help you in the subsequent steps.

2 – Identify Exceptions to the Problem – Does part of the solution exist now

Are there times where part of the solution visualized in step 1 exists.  We are often so focused on the problem that we don’t notice when parts of the solution exists. This steps in the process allows you to look notice times or elements of your life where parts of the solution exists. It provides hope.

Maybe if your goal is to be happier are there parts of some days when this is the case. If your goal is to enjoy your work maybe there are some parts of your work that you do enjoy.

3 – Where am I now

Use a scale of 0-10. Where are you now on believing the problem can be solved. Where are you now on the scale of having the solution.  These questions give visibility to your motivation levels as well as a sense of how far you are away from the solution.

Examples:

On a scale of 0 to 10, where 0 is where none of the preferred solution exists, and 10 is where it completely exists, where are you?

On a scale of 0 to 10, where 0 is where you have no hope that you can get to the preferred solution, and 10 is where you are absolutely sure you can, where are you?

4 – What would small progress look like

What would one step further on the hope or progress scale look like?. What would you need to do? Can you do this? This process embodies the idea that progress is made in small achievable steps. Both hope and progress are tracked. If hope is very low, initial steps can be focused on increasing hope.

Examples:

(If you are on 2 on progress). What would it take to be one step further, say a 3 on progress towards your goal of enjoying work ?

(if you are 0 on hope). In your hope of being able to be happier in your relationship, what would need to happen for you to feel say a 1, that this is possible?

Steps 1 and 2 are the focus of the beginning of the process,  whereas steps 3 and 4 become the focus as you start to make progress. As you can see from the diagram, you cycle between steps 3 and 4 until the solution is achieved and the problem does not exist.

Caution

For those suffering from trauma and / or mental health issues. If a goal or solution is outside of your control then this approach may just cause you additional distress. If this is the case, or if you are not sure what would represent something you can work on, then I suggest consulting a mental health professional.

In finishing

A solution focused approach draws on powerful tools such as visualizing and imagination to arrive at a preferred solution, particularly for goals which aren’t so clear cut. It then take a strengths approach to implementing the solution by making progress in small and achievable steps.

Related articles:

Finding your strengths

Realistic Goal Planning

The Role of Hope in Goal Achievement

I’m noticing a trend with the clients I work with that when struggling with life problems, often advice from friends and family is offered, but from the receiver’s perspective it may not be helpful. Many times when we are going through a struggle, just being heard and validated is enough for us to access our own internal wisdom and intuition.

Part of the human condition seems to be to offer advice which reflects what we would do if we were in that situation. We often struggle to really understand what is like for someone else. Often, well intentionally, we project our self into that situation, and speak from that position.

My thought for today is the more we can know about someone else and what it is like for them, the deeper the relationship and the more supportive we can be.

Be curious, don’t assume. The desire and the willingness to want to know how it is for someone else is a great gift. For both the receiver, and the person brave and caring enough to do this.

Take care
Scott

Related articles : Empathy a gift you can give that costs nothing but can be priceless to the receiver

Re-storying is a powerful tool for taking a fresh look at your life, and more importantly yourself as the lead actor in it.  From this new perspective you have the opportunity to re-write your story as one of strengths, success and compassion. Re-storying can change your life. This article provides some insight and tools about the re-storying  process.

Have you ever noticed how creative people such as writers and directors can create vastly different  stories about the same historical events. Emphasising  different characters and different perspectives can create very different stories. Examples are books written from the perspective of people on different sides of a major war. This isn’t about disputing external fact about these events. It is more about how it was perceived and experienced by different people. From a psychological  perspective, it is what meaning they gave to it.

A previous article discussed the benefit of knowing our story.  Our stories, or narrative identity,  are purposeful and adaptive. Designed to make sense of the world and to support our survival. The character profiles about ourselves  which are embedded in the story affect the decisions and choices we make in the present.   We often see the future as an extension of the past and can make assumptions about how things will play out on this basis. In this way we keep the storyline and characters consistent. This can be a protective strategy, but in some cases a limiting one.

Re-storying is therefore about being able to look at these significant events through a different lens. Imagine you are a new director who is looking at your story. With this fresh perspective you can write a story of success, and strengths, and compassion. In reviewing events in your life and your responses to it, you can find these qualities in the lead actor, yourself. These qualities are then available in the  current and future parts of your life.

Re-storying tips

Review what your real choices were and consider your strengths in responding

Sometimes in creating your story you can underestimate the impact of external factors and overestimate your choices. In re-storying you can correct this. If your story carries guilt or blame based on a belief you chose not to take a better option, in re-storying you can review and possibly re-evaluate your role.  Qualities such as survival can be found where previously we looked at ourself as a victim. Re-storying is another way to find strengths that were hidden from view by the old story. These strengths are then available in future chapters of our story.

Assume you did your best under the circumstances

The nature of the human condition is that we continuously adapt to external circumstances in a ways that we believe  will achieve the best outcome. In re-writing your story you can consider what you understood of the situation, what choices you had, what resource were available to you, both internal and external; and based on this what action you took.  Sometimes your internal resources are limited due to what was modelled and what you experienced in early life. When you look at historical events in your life from this perspective you can gain empathy for yourself. You can also arrive at a less critical assessment of your behaviour.

Avoid generalising past responses / behaviour

We can attribute generalised qualities about our self based on specific events. In re-storying you  can see a situation as a one off event where you acted in a particular way, possibly in response to unique external  factors. Maybe you considered yourself as a selfish person based on this particular event, but in reviewing it discover this is not a theme. In fact, it  was a reasonable response to the situation

In finishing

Re-storying is about taking a  view of a your life with the intent of finding the gold in the lead actor. This allows us to find our strengths and to offer ourselves compassion. Equally important it allows for greater possibilities in the chapters of our life that are still to be lived and written.  Re-storying can change your life.

Many of the goals we set for ourselves in life require us to interact with others to achieve them.  These could be relationship goals, influence goals, work goals etc. A significant success factor in  achieving these goals is our willingness to put ourselves in situations where we are under the scrutiny of others. For many people a fear of rejection, also called rejection sensitivity,  can be an insurmountable obstacle that prevents further progress. It could stop you from contacting a potential  friend or partner. Reaching our to someone in your business network  about an exciting opportunity.  Or realising a goal of performing your area of passion in front of others. This article explores this fear further whilst offering ideas to minimise its impact.

The setting of goals is an important part of living a purposeful life. While hope is a factor that contributes to an overall sense that our goal setting will result in achievement, other factors come into play when performing  tasks related to our goals. Procrastination is one factor that will impact whether particular tasks are undertaken . Rejection sensitivity  is another that will impact task completion if social exposure is involved.  Like most responses, rejection sensitivity began as adaptive and purposeful and has been useful  at some point in life. For many the basis was  actual rejection experiences taking place in early life. Early rejection resulted in unpleasant emotional pain and potentially other more serious consequences.  In response to this a heightened capacity  to notice rejection developed  early on.The purpose of this was to enable us to avoid situations that might expose us to these unpleasant consequences again.

What is rejection sensitivity

The psychological  term that describes this concept is called rejection sensitivity. Those high in rejection sensitivity tend to focus on elements of a situation that they consider an indicator of rejection. They will often  interpret situations as rejection when it is unclear if this is the case. Take the example of calling someone new to arrange a meeting and the person does not call back. Those high in rejection sensitivity consider this a rejection even though there may be a number of other reasons for the other’s failure to call back.  To compound this problem further, those higher in rejection sensitivity will find it difficult to take their attention away from this perspective. Finally rejection sensitivity can also be linked to low self-esteem. Our self-schema is how we define ourselves. If we consider our-self to be someone who is usually rejected by others, than it almost becomes an expected consequence of social interactions.

Some tips…

So if you consider yourself to be someone who is high on sensitivity to rejection, and / or avoids some social or work situations because of the possibility of rejection, what can you do ?

• In unclear social situation , note your bias to rejection and allow yourself to reappraise the situation. An example is If someone has not called back, review the facts before assuming it is a rejection.
• In work or personal situations where you are avoiding undertaking a task because of expected rejection, first take steps to regulate any feelings of anxiety. Mindful breathing or a physical activity that disrupts any significant emotional reaction can be helpful. Then try to take your attention away from the rejection focussed thoughts.
• In all cases start to break the link between your self-view and rejection. Those with rejection sensitivity tend to generalise individual examples of rejection, hence its impact on self perception.  Find ways to buffer your self-esteem from others. Consider identifying and noting your strengths as a way of building a more robust self view. Try to attribute your successes to your ability as a way of increasing your personal value.

In finishing

Rejection sensitivity can be a significant obstacle to achieving social, relationship and work related goals.Whilst there is normally a sound basis for developing this sensitivity, often in early childhood, its continued use later in life  is usually not so unhelpful. Strategies such as reappraisal, mindfulness and activities to increase self-esteem can reduce the impact of this bias, and enable you to achieve and pursue your goals.