I work a lot with young people and their families and often the reason they are in therapy is behaviour issues at school and / or home. Often the young person will feel a lot of remorse about how they have behaved and will attribute the problem to who they are as a person. So in many cases the secondary problem to treat is self-esteem. This is due to each instance of the behaviour providing further evidence of their failure as a person.

Often the approach to treatment includes behaviour change work via rewarding this changed behaviour, and managing but not responding to the unacceptable behaviour as a way of extinguishing this. Often this approach increases self-esteem as every time the new behaviour is successfully applied and rewarded the young person  starts to feel better about themselves.

I think this concept can be applied more broadly. In psychology there has been work done on what we call attribution biases.  Often positive outcomes can be associated with luck and negative outcomes attributes to personal efforts.  In this case self-esteem is never increased and only reduced as a result of unfavourable outcomes.  If we can partially flip this bias around, then positive outcomes can increases self-esteem as they are attributed to personal effort and we are protected from the impact of negative outcomes. Some would argue that this approach reduces expectations and would result in less striving and therefore goal achievement. I think the opposite is true. Rewarding our successes increases our self-esteem and increases the chances of further successes. The bottom up approach looks for successes and evaluates  any progress in the right direction as a success. Top down, whilst assuming success is the default, can have a more significant negative affect on the individual as its focussed on failure, and this can tend to lead to more failure as confidence reduces.

To implement bottom up it is just important to reflect on what would  be considered progress towards a goal and to notice this activity and treat it as success.  Also remember to reward yourself for this progress. Enjoy !!

As a psychologist it is interesting to observe some of the recent high-profile failures of large organisations in Australia and internationally to act in a socially health way. To be fair these symptoms are not exclusive to organisations of this size and profile. I have wondered if the clinical approach taken in psychology to assessment and diagnosis for individuals would apply to organisational culture. Whether a diagnosis of depression or anxiety would suggest an organisational culture which has elements of fear or loss and helplessness. Whether a diagnosis of schizophrenia would suggest an organisation which has lost touch with the external world, and is responding to perceived, rather than actual external factors. Where a grandiose culture suggests a culture with a narcissistic personality. Whilst I have simplified the criteria for these diagnoses, the majority of them also require that a significant functional impact to the individual also exist. For organisations this plays out as impact on key stakeholders such as customers, employees and the societies they operate in.
From a psychological perspective what is equally important is would evidence based treatments for individuals, also apply to and be effective for organisations. For psychologists, evidence based interventions represent the gold standard of treatment as these are proven ways of treating a particular group of mental health symptoms which offer the best possible chances of achieving the related treatment outcome. If organisation stakeholders, or regulators, could assess and diagnose corporate cultures, would it then be possible that after treatment, for organisations to be symptom free. This would then allow them to operate in their environment in a way which was healthier for all stakeholders.

Something to consider….

Whilst the concept of having voices in our heads in considered a sign of insanity, as a therapist I can assure you it 99% of cases it is not. Actually it is actually consistent with a healthy mental state. In my experience, understanding the voices in your head can be useful in term of overall  well being. It can also help to work through difficult situations in life. Read on for more information. 

Ever wondered why you are not consistent in your thinking, actions or decision making.  Do you notice a number of different opinions and influences when you are trying to arrive at a decision. Do you find yourself stuck sometimes as differing perspectives attempt to take you in different ways. Have you ever regretted a decision you made the previous day and wondered what got into your mind to do this.  This is not insanity, but from my experience what a typical intra-psychic world looks like.

As a psychologist I find it useful to have many ways to engage with my clients in a way that is respectful, curious and useful. Often one of the goals of therapy is for the client to become aware of elements of their thoughts and beliefs which they are not normally able to access. The things under the surface which can be running our lives but have grown into our consciousness in sometimes indirect and subtle  ways. With this in mind I am always interested in alternate way of achieving this awareness for clients.  Whilst not a new approach, I have recently become aware of Internal Family Systems (IFS) and firstly acknowledge the creator  of this therapeutic modality, Richard Schwartz.  What I like about this approach the most is its ability to help the client to engage with all of the differing perspectives, also called parts, of their internal world, and just as importantly to understand  the  purpose and fears of each of these parts.   IFS does consider an element called the self, which it aims to empower in such a way that it works with the parts to achieve the best outcomes for an individual.

Whilst IFS therapy requires the support of a suitably trained therapist,  I would suggest even gaining an awareness of looking at our internal world this way is useful to make sense as to why we think and behave in certain ways and under certain conditions. This avoids the unrealistic goals of create a single internal world view, and supports the healthy goal of integrating the parts within the context of a healthy self.

If you are interested in learning more about IFS the link below is a good starting point. Please note for some the material in this video might be emotionally impacting.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNLs2A1URhw

Enjoy !!

Resilience has received a lot of profile in recent times as something everyone needs to develop to cope better with life’s ups and downs. In my opinion, mental flexibility is even more important as it allows us to respond in more useful ways in the moment. This helps us to avoid saying or doing something that makes the situation worse, hence reducing the need to draw on our resilience reserves. This article discusses flexibility in more detail. It ends with some ideas on how to develop your own mental flexibility. 

Mental Flexibility – What is it ?

Resilience is often talked about as a key quality of those who are successful and/or those that have overcome  adversity. There are many definitions of resilience but the one I feel sums it up the best  is, the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties. Resilience has been studied  extensively and is considered a protective factor against many physical and mental health issues. In unpacking resilience  it in turn is comprised of many elements such as optimism and flexibility. Optimism is linked to constructs  such as hope and agency which is the belief and ability to develop and implement strategies to deal with adverse situations. Another quality, which is the focus of this post, is flexibility. From my perspective as a psychologist I am particularly interested in emotional and cognitive flexibility. For me flexibility implies having a range of responses to situations, and the ability to choose which response to utilise in a given situation.

The opposite of flexibility is rigidity and for many people I work with it is an inability to utilise more useful  responses which is  problematic. Often they have a history with a particular  type of response and at one point in time this has worked well. The human brain, being the highly efficient  machine that it is, unless directed otherwise  tends to utilise the same response to initially very similar situations, and eventually move towards using this same response in a wider range of situations.

In my clinical experience,  cognitive flexibility increases when we are able to reflect on a situation before acting. In reflecting we can objectively view the situation and make conclusions and respond  and  take action on what is known and consider what is in  our best interest.  It avoids assumption and catastrophic thinking.

Emotional flexibility is the ability to have a wide range of emotional expressions and contain them within the normal range of intensity.  Emotions are our bodies way of processing life experiences. When we allow them to occur they tend to pass through which allows for the next emotion to occur.

Suppression is an example of where if we are not ok with emotions we will supress them. Suppression often result in physical health problems or behaviour issues such as addcitons. Equally overwhelm is where the intensity is beyond what is appropriate for the situation. It is often fuelled by negative thoughts which increase the perceived consequences of the situation and are not supported by the facts of the situation.   An example is the valid grief of a relationship breakup being exaggerated by a thought that I will never have another relationship.

Tips for Developing Mental Flexibility

I will leave you with a few tips for starting to build your flexibility:

• Notice your body’s natural reaction to situations and attempt to connect to it as a way of slowing the process. If all else fails breath deeply.
• Notice your thoughts and feeling responses as an observer.
• When thinking avoid assuming intent and therefore having negative and catastrophic thinking, unless there is current evidence that supports this.
• Consider your options, weight the pros and cons, and make a decision in regards to the meaning, and then associated action and approach to the situation.

Read more: Increasing your mental flexibility – replace the lens of right and wrong, with useful

Like many things in life, food, and sleep for example, thinking is another aspect where things that are inherently good for health and well being, can sometimes be a bad thing when used excessively.  In this post I want to explore an example of this. Self-reflection and rumination.

What is rumination and self-reflection

Self-reflection is the action of thinking about your own feelings and behavior, and the reasons that may lie behind them. Rumination is repeatedly and passively thinking about the causes or consequences of problems without moving to active problem solving. Both are examples of adaptive behaviors so it is not a question of whether they are good or bad, but whether they are  useful or not. Self-reflection is associated with the ability to exercise more control over one’s feelings and behavior and generally to make better decisions in terms of how to respond. It is associated with the ability to learn and change. Conversely, rumination is a key contributor to mental health disorders such as depression and anxiety.

How do I tell the difference?

So at this point a good question might be how do I know whether I am ruminating or self-reflecting, and if I’m ruminating how do I move back to self-reflection or at least stop ruminating.

Differentiating between self-reflection and rumination can  sometimes be done through the perspective of negative or positive content of the thoughts. Rumination will generally have exclusively negative content whereas self-reflection will either have a mixture of negative and positive or just positive content. There are also process differences as rumination will not result in a move to a problem-solving mode whereas reflection will. Finally rumination will tend to persist for a longer period of time than self-reflection.

An example of the differences.   Self-reflecting on a presentation  I need to give tomorrow, considers my past experiences,  good or bad, and then realistically identifies my strengths and weaknesses and taking action to address deficits is a self-reflective process. A ruminative approach  would be to reflect on past experiences,  focussed on bad experiences  and based on a likely negative outcome, and then project further consequences of that.

What can i do if I find myself ruminating?

Indicators of rumination could be body sensation;  headaches, pains or tightness similar to stress, difficultly in sleeping, loss of appetite.  It could be mental symptoms such as loss of concentration and focus or just an inability to stop thinking. The key to stopping ruminating is firstly noticing  these symptoms. The next step is to do something different to break this cycle. This could be meditation, physical exercise, mental distractions such as thinking of other things, talk to a close friends or family member (beware of those who tend to have their own issues with ruminating). If all else fails mindful breathing is a great thing to do in the moment as a combination of deep breathing and noticing your body will tend to immediately break the cycle so you can put in place other more productive cognitive strategies such as reappraisal, reviewing the evidence in terms of likely outcomes and likely consequences of these outcomes, and problem solving.

In conclusion…..

I encourage you to self-reflect, as this is a very healthy pursuit, and to become aware of when you are over your thinking limit. Notice the physical and mental symptoms of rumination and take action to stop the rumination cycle.

If you are interested in increasing your mental flexibility then this post might help. It provides some insight insight into our capability to be mentally flexible and some ideas as to how to tap into it.

Psychological research associates mental flexibility with increased subjective well being, also known as happiness, and decreased mental health issues.  Our combined body and brain system is an amazing system that continues to adjusts to external  demands, as well as respond to internal challenges. In regards to the brain itself, we are still learning about its’ capacity to use different parts of the brain when one part is not working. Our challenge and opportunity is that we have the power to direct this adaption, and this adaption not working can be the reason for people to seek help from mental health professionals.

One of the best examples of adaptation is anxiety. Anxiety is an adaption to “better deal” with situations that have previously caused stress. Anxiety can be healthy or useful if the adaption provides a better response moving forward. It can equally result in unhealthy thinking ,or rumination, where we continuously worry beyond what the situation should really warrant.  Similarly, sensitivity to pain in a part of a body can result in us taking action to avoid recurrence.  On the other extreme somatic disorders are where our awareness of pain is beyond that which are body is experiencing, and we become overly sensitised and distressed.

As a therapist working with clients I find that when we use the frame of right or wrong when we look at our behaviour or thinking, then it can become a weapon to use against ourselves and further exacerbate depressive or anxious symptoms. If I think I am worrying too much then I can be worried about how much I worry. If I think it is wrong to spend a week in my room withdrawing then I can feel sad that I’m do this to myself and then withdraw further as I decide that other people wouldn’t like to spend time with someone who behaves in this way. Right versus wrong can be used to support self-criticism and shame.

The frame of useful allows someone to be curious about how they think, feel and act. We  can choose to understand as to why we have adapted this way. Then can consider what other responses might be more useful. As the word useful implies that an adaption is purposeful, we can consider what purpose the existing adaption was designed to achieve, and if this what we wish to achieve now. A great example is we may have had difficulty in early life dealing with conflict and at that time withdrawal may have been the best strategy. It may have protected us. Later in life through continuing to avoid conflict we may find ourselves stuck in less than satisfying relationships, and / or have found our career has not progressed  as well as we would hope. Our original adaption was useful, and it continues to work as intended, but our ability to respond to conflictual situations has most likely increased. Most importantly the use of an avoidance strategy does not result in the best outcomes for us.

If you believe that the inflexible standard of right versus wrong is not working for you, then consider trying the lens of useful as a way of increasing your flexibility to respond to life.

Read more: Cognitive reappraisal – taming your brain??

Read more: Rumination and self-reflection – Is your thinking over the limit ?

Do you sometimes feel you are the character in a story that seems quite familiar?

We define ourselves based on the subjective meaning we make of our life experience. This definition shapes our sense of purpose, impacts our mental health, and is a factor in our  future goals and actions. This is our story, we are the author, and we also play the lead character.

Our life story, or narrative identity, is  purposeful and adaptive. It is subjective and is designed to make sense of how we operate in the world and to support our survival. From a psychological perspective  it is linked to both our subjective  well being and can be predictive of mental health disorders.

Whilst our life experiences are important, so is the meaning we make of these situations. What role did we play?  Were we the victim?  Based on these experiences what do we believe are our strengths and our weaknesses? When we describe ourselves to others, what words do we use?  Do we show ourselves compassion in these descriptions, or are we harsh to ourselves?

Many life experience such as relationship break-ups,  career failures or successes,  set backs beyond our control, are typically included in our story and present opportunities to define our characters.  Like any good story teller we have access to a number of different way to shape our characters.

Psychological research suggest the themes of the stories  and their coherence  can impact our mental health.  The character profiles about ourselves  which are embedded in the story affect the decisions and choices we make in the present.   We often see the future as an extension of the past and can make assumptions about how things will play out on this basis. In this way we keep the storyline consistent. This can be a protective strategy, but in some cases a limiting one.

If you know your story you can understand why you responded in particular ways to people and situations. This in itself can be useful as it can allow for self compassion and kindness, particularly around historical events in your life which may have impacted you adversely. If you find parts of your story, and more importantly your character profile, no longer serve you then you can change it. This may support more flexible and adaptive responses to the world which enhance your well being and your future possibilities.

If you feel your story is overwhelming and / or traumatic, I suggest you enlist the help of a trained therapeutic  professional to understand it.   Otherwise I encourage you to look with curiosity at the themes in your story  and discover what they say about you.

This article provides a tip for becoming most optimistic. It first  looks at the challenges associated with becoming more optimistic. It finishes with one way to  start to increase your ability to notice positive behaviors in those around you. 

Not happy with what you see. Try looking for something else.

I qualify this post with the acknowledgment  that there are external factors or situations where something need to be done about changing the environment that we are living in.  Issues  such as domestic violence are a good example of this. Or workplace bullying. These are never acceptable.

I also noticed a difference class of situations, particularly when working with parents who have come to therapy based on challenging behaviour in their child. They often find it difficult to notice changes in the child’s behaviour. This also happens with couples where they find change in their partner’s behaviour outside of therapy sessions are difficult to spot, but examples that are consistent with historical difficult behaviours are much easier to see.

Why is this so ?

You might be thinking why is this the case. Firstly, we take in a vast amount of data through our perception system which includes components such as our senses. This data is filtered in a number of ways before, and if, it gains conscious attention.  Both of these are huge areas of science and theory but I will discuss here a couple of interesting things I have learnt. Situations that have been stressful we will give a higher priority as we have learnt that we need to be aware of these so  we can deal with them. In our early evolutionary days  if we had a bad experience with a tiger (if we were still alive) we would want to be on the look out for them. This is also true with our body. If we have had an injury in a part of our body we will notice lower level of discomfort in that area. Even though we are advised we are healing, we may notice pain more often. This is because we have trained our attention system to be on the look out for problems in this area of our body.

Unfortunately this same approach can be taken to our five year old son or daughter’s  difficult behaviour. Or the things our partner does wrong. Or issues with our manager or co-workers. We look for it more. This issue is compounded by the fact that our attention span is limited, so noticing one thing precludes us from noticing something else.

So what can i do?.

So how do we change what we notice you might be thinking. We need to utilise the cognitive strategy I call the “Red Car phenomena”. If you even a bought a red car, or in fact a car of any colour,  just after you took ownership you might have been surprised at the number of cars of this same colour. Whilst there might be some factual truth to this, most likely there would also been a degrees of subjective assessment. This supports the idea that we can consciously prime our attention system to look for particular situations, and one of the reasons for doing this is our own personal motivation. In this case we have a degree of motivation to determine how many people have made a similar choice to us and this motivation is used to prime our attention system.  The underlying motivation might be to validate our choice of this car colour.

The tip !!…

So the way to see things differently varies from person to person, but keeping a log, diary or a list of the number of times something happens can be useful. An example of a changed behavior might be when your son or daughter doesn’t provoke their sibling, or does something without being prompted multiple times. It might be when your partner does something caring for you, or when they just listen. It could be when your manager or a co-worker  gives you positive feedback.

Whilst the list itself is useful, the associated priming of our attention system to look for this is equally useful. For some people a personal challenge to notice a certain number of times a changed behavior has occurred can be useful, as it increases motivation and priming.  I encourage you to become your own attention scientist and see what happens.

Further Reading Cognitive biases

Have you ever wondered why people don’t hear what you are saying, and that this is even worse with the people who know you the best ? This article provides some insight into why this is the case. It also provides one important tip for better communication that might radically increase the effectiveness of your communication.

The fundamental problem

As a psychologist and counsellor I often wonder why we assume that human communication is effective. As a fellow human being I understand why we do. I urge people to consider this is not the case as I believe this would allow for more effective communication to occur.

Why communication fails

Whilst the challenges of the mechanics of communication: language, channel etc, will not be explored in this post, they are acknowledged as significant. I want to focus more on what I am presented with in the therapy room when working with individuals, families and couples. The last group really represent those most impacted by communication, and the group that least expects this to be the case.

Problem 1 –

Generally couples who come to therapy will have a history of many years together, and when asked by outsiders would say they know the other person well.  Here is where enemy number one of good communication lives.  Assumption. Assumption says I know this person well, I know their values and their character, and I know their intent and therefore I can respond based on this assumed intent. In some cases I can even complete the communication for them. Typically the other person does the same and it tends to spiral down from here. A typically train of communication follows….when you asked me about dinner I assumed you were saying to me  ‘I think you are lazy’ so  I responded to that intent by saying that you are always so critical ..etc etc

Problem 2 –

Problem number two is in some ways similar  to the previous problem, but is more pervasive. It is caused by what we in the psychology field call heuristics. In simple terms heuristics are shortcuts the  brain takes to process information and make decisions. These can be very handy in some situations such as evaluating and responding to threats,  but when used in human communication are highly problematic. They encourage us to filter the message based on previous situations we have been in which are similar to this, develop a response based on historical experiences, and then respond. For most of us at times, myself included, this results in us formulating a response before the person talking have finished speaking.  From a heuristics perspective this is highly efficient, but from a communications perspective highly ineffective.

My Tip for Better Communication…

if we operate from the assumption that communication is ineffective then the following is necessary::

• Listen to each and every word of what someone is saying.
• Assume that you don’t know the message intent, unless the sender tells you
• Don’t start developing your response until the listener is finishing talking.

Try becoming a communication pessimist and see if your communication improves.

This article provides some ideas on self-esteem, What might be causing low self-esteem, and how to increase it in a healthy and sustainable way. 

My experience…

If you are looking for other people to be different towards you, or to say something to you in order for you to be happy, then maybe looking at your boundaries might help. In my own journey, and from what others have told me of theirs, knowing where I start and end, and where others start and end, enables me to healthily participate in many deep, nurturing and safe relationships. The most important of these is with myself.

The problem…

Many of us are bought up in dysfunctional families in which we looked to others to determine how we felt and if we were valuable. If we are affirmed or shown love by our mother we are ok. If we didn’t know how our father was feeling,  we become anxious as he was another key barometer of how we felt about ourselves.

As we  grew up we developed our own circle of friends and close and intimate relationships. They then became our new external valuation team and emotional barometer, like an extension of ourselves.  We were  often  in a state of anxiety if we didn’t  know how each of them felt about us This would come about from their absence, or them saying something about us. We then read into it how they felt about us – usually negative.

This “survival mode” of living represents someone who has no self boundaries. In this state other people’s opinion of me become my own and, just as important, there is little or no ability to self nurture.

A solution…..

The concept of boundaries is built around the concept that I control how I think, feel and act, the same is true for you, I only need note the impact of this. Applying this concept allows others to think, feel and act as they wish, because how I interpret this is up to me. This allows me to look inwards, listen to myself, nurture myself and/or gain assistance from others when needed. Once I have done this I am then available to listen to and take in others around me, but to do so in a way that allows them to be them. I can then offer  support unconditionally without looking to them to fill my tank.

As a father this has been even more critical. I can be, and am, impacted by my children. Without boundaries they are responsible for making me feel better. With boundaries I can manage this impact, and then as an adult, consider their behaviour and set appropriate consequences. I know my own inner child is easily impacted by others and that this child is mine to look after. The gift of boundaries to them is they are free to express their emotions and opinions and this is something they will carry into adulthood. The gift to me is that I experience my children fully and am present for them. This equally applies to an intimate relationship with a partner as boundaries allow a safe place for the relationship to develop, without either party feeling resentful about having unrealistic and/or unspoken expectations of the other.

Read More : How to Increase Self-esteem – a bottom up approach