This article explores the idea of finding your strengths as a way of increasing the depth and breadth of your capabilities. It considers two different perspectives of what a strength is, and provides some tools and resources to assist in identifying your strengths. These strengths can be utilised in dealing with adversity, and / or achieving optimum outcomes in your life.   

What is a strength

There are a wide variety of definitions. I consider a strength to be any asset or capability which can be used to solve problems, and achieve goals. Also anything that is a useful adaption in some circumstances. Capabilities such as reflection and procrastination are examples of capabilities which are useful in some cases, and not in others. Discerning when something is useful or not is the topic of another article.

Counselling / Social Work perspective

Within the counselling and social work community there is a framework called Strengths Based.  The idea is that clients who are struggling with historical or current issues tend to only see the world as containing problems. They can often see themselves as having little or no power in their life.   A Strengths Based approach validates their struggles, and more importantly their ability to survive in difficult circumstances. The therapist working with the client in unpacking their story will attempt to identify strengths that the client possesses. From my own experience as a therapist there are always some. For some people still being alive in spite of horrific life experiences is a strength.

Positive Psychology Perspective

From a positive psychology perspective, the purpose of identifying individual strengths is to then focus on utilising them.   Focusing on strengths results in enhanced well being and experiencing more positive emotions. Research suggests it is also protective against mental health symptoms.

Identifying Strengths

When attempting to find our strengths, we will often identify our strengths as things  that have been named by others. If people say we are funny, smart, kind,  tenacious etc, then we will identify with these. Or inner qualities that we feel have made a clear contribution to a particular achievement we are proud of. This makes sense but can be somewhat limiting as it starts to narrow our personal inventory of strengths. I am suggesting that doing a broader sweep of our life might reveal additional qualities which can increase our perceived overall capabilities. It may even allow us to expand our life choices.

Some tips and resources for finding your strengths

In digging for the less obvious, but somewhat hidden strengths, some things to consider are:

·         Difficult circumstances you have survived or are even currently surviving in . Things such as financial or health stress, loss of loved one to name a few.

·         Things that you have done which were outside your normal range of activities and / or situations. Maybe you consider yourself a passive person, but you have had to advocate. Maybe you are very outcome focussed, but found yourself in a situation which you just had to accept. 

·         If you are still struggling an excellent resource is the VIA Character Strength’s Inventory. Some  people use this as a way of only identifying their top strengths to focus on in order to maximise their potential which can be useful. I suggest using it to identify the diversity of strengths you have. When reviewing the report, consider all of the strengths you have as potential resources.

In finishing…

We all possess many capabilities and resources which can be utilised in dealing with life situations,  and / or enhancing our lives.  Looking at our life through the lens of strengths enable us to validate the resources and capabilities already in our possession. If we take an inclusive approach to developing a strengths inventory, it enables us to have a broader definition of ourselves, and what we are capable of.

I encourage you to start the journey of finding your strengths.

As always, any comments or experiences related to this article are appreciated.

This article discusses the role of hope in goal achievement. It suggests that hope is a motivating force towards goal initiation and  achievement. It also provides some ideas for increasing your own level of hope in relation to achieving your goals.  

The role of hope in goal achievement

Hope is seen by some as something that gets you through a tough time which is imposed on you by outside circumstances where there is little you can do. There is some truth to this, but equally hope is something that motivates and can counterbalance fear of failure to minimise procrastinating in embarking on activities. Psychologically, hope is also very similar to general self-efficacy. Both of these are focused on our beliefs about our own ability to achieve things. Hope is  similar to optimism, but optimism allows for the positive outcomes to be due to the efforts of others, whilst hope is focused on the individual’s efforts.

The key elements of hope is a belief in positive outcomes in the future, and more specifically our ability to make these happen. Technically there are two elements to hope. 1 – Hope agency which is a general belief that we are capable of achieving things. 2 – Hope pathway which is a belief  that we are capable of finding ways to achieve these things.  A lot of research points to hope being linked to subjective well being and achievement of goals. It is also considered to be protective of  mental health conditions such as depression. Hope is an element in the behaviour change process which I call the “will I’. Do  I believe  it is possible that I can  undertake the required behaviour change.

Goal selection is outside of the scope of this article, but once a goal is selected how can we increase our belief and hence motivation to start.

Some strategies for increasing hope

Visualise the specific goal achievement process

Imagine yourself putting together a plan for achieving the specific goal you wish to focus on and then completing the required action. Be as detailed as you can in this visualisation. This is a proven method for increasing your sense of hope in relation to a specific goal.

Develop a resume of goal achievement

I suggest putting together a list of goals you have set and achieved in your life. Doing this will crease a sense of you being able to achieve things.This track record will increase your sense of being able to achieve any future goals.

Develop and / or recognise your goal  planning process.

Develop a  process for putting together a realistic goal planning process. Once you have this, recognise that this is available and you can use this in achieving any goal. Realistic goal planning increases your chance of success. It also increases your sense of mastery in planning.

Understanding other internal impacts

Understand the impact of your self-story, self-schemas and biases that attempt to define the future based on the past. If your story is one of achieving, and you have a self-schema which includes achievement orientated qualities, then it is likely your cognitive  biases will be supportive of further success. If any of these elements  point to failure then you will most likely have a lower sense of hope. For example, if you define yourself as a starter and not a finisher, then you might notice some reluctance to even develop goals.  Therefore, you make need to spend more time on the previous three strategies as a way of offsetting this. Just being aware of these factors can also  decrease any negative impact.

Conclusion

The role of hope in goal achievement is significant. Hope is a belief that goals can be achieved and further that we have the means and a plan for their achievement. Increased hope is associated with greater subjective well-being, reduced mental health symptoms and greater goal achievement. The four strategies described in this article may help to  increase your level of hope.

Enjoy and please send me an e-mail or a comment on whether your found these strategies useful.

I have previously written about some of success’s biggest obstacles; procrastination and  fear of failure. Another article also discusses more broadly the challenges to behaviour change. Feedback from readers suggest that drilling down on particular aspects of the goal achievement process would be useful. It might be helpful in supporting them to achieve more of the things that would increase the quality of their lives. What I will expand on in this article are some ideas for realistic goal planning.

These are skills I have developed in a previous career as a project manager.  I have also found them very transferable into my current profession as a psychologist and counsellor.  Many clients have indicated that they have put them into practice and benefited from them.

Goal Definition

Goal definition is important and I draw on proven techniques such as SMART. This suggests that goals  should be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time related.

My focus is on being realistic as this is often where things are set up for failure even before any action is taken.

Realistic Goal Planning

• A realistic goal is one where you have the time available to complete the tasks required for the goal. For many clients working on individual goals, we will look at current weekly and daily time commitments. Often using a sheet of paper or a whiteboard. We will also see how much time is required to complete any new tasks. Finally, we consider if there are enough hours in the day to still meet existing commitments and complete these new tasks. Using this process, when we have over allocated available time it is immediately obvious. We can then adjust the current time commitments and / or the amount of time available for this new goal.

• A realistic goal assumes that you have the resources (skills, materials, knowledge etc) to complete the tasks.  Optimism is highly useful as a personal quality, but in goal achievement, realism also has to come into play. In reviewing tasks if you find that there is a resource deficit, you can factor this into the plan. This might be a need for  extra training, research, or acquiring some materials prior to starting.

• A plan for realistic goals has contingencies. Life happens. If you factor in contingencies, when they occur you are less likely to give up. A rule of thumb in identifying contingencies is to realistically look at your life circumstances. When you do this pick the things that reasonably could happen.

• A great tool to use in ensuring the achievement of a goal is realistic, is backward planning. This ensures that the sequence of activities are correct. For those who cook this is second nature. You can’t put the dish in the oven until you have prepared the ingredients. For other goals it is sometimes not so obvious. If some things are reliant  on other tasks take note of this. Then when putting together your schedule of tasks ensure this sequence is reflected in it.

• When third parties are involved, ensure they are committed to the plan and have the required  resources. This is often the biggest challenge in business projects, but I think it is a big factor in personal goal achievement. If I need Bill or Sue’s help on something in order to progress this plan, have I asked them, are they available at the time I need them. If I only have a very casual commitment from them to help then I can’t be sure that they will do their task, let alone in the time I need it.

In conclusion….

If you want to maximise the chances of achieving a goal you have made for yourself, then set yourself up for success. Being realistic means do I have the necessary time and resources. If I need others are they committed to their part in the plan. It also means that the time sequence makes sense, and I have allowed for contingencies.

Start to include these ideas in your goal planning and see if it helps.  

Enjoy !!

Many of the rules about how we are in the world are contained in our self-schema. Some of these are helpful and some are not helpful. They can even sabotage us in our relationships and stop us from achieving our goals. This article provides insight into what a self-schema is, and some tips to be able to review it. It might also provide the opportunity to redefine yourself and change your life

In our human quest for certainty there are many casualties. In my opinion, one of the most important relates to our identity. We seem to have a need to fit in and have certainty around who we are. In our keenness for doing this we create inflexible versions of who we are.  As a therapist, I notice this is happening when a client tells me “This is what I do or think”, in response to situations  where clearly that line of thinking is not working. Flexibility is useful and protective of our well-being and it is equally important to how we define ourselves.

What is a self-schema

One aspect of identity is self-schemas. The self-schema is a psychological term which refers to a long lasting and stable set of memories that describe a person’s beliefs, experiences and generalizations about the self, in specific areas of life. These areas include relationships, work, socially, study etc. A person may have a self-schema based on any aspect of himself or herself as a person, including physical characteristics, personality traits and interests, as long as they consider that aspect of their self important to their own self-definition.

Among other things, people can hold self-schemas about:

Physical characteristics (‘I’m pretty,’ ‘I’m overweight’)

Interests (‘I love sports,’ ‘I like art’)

Personality traits (‘I’m shy,’ ‘I’m friendly’,)

Behaviours (‘I’m assertive,’ ‘I avoid conflict’, I don’t like trying new things’)

All of these assessments are subjective and all could be reviewed. In this article I will expand further on the last two because they have significant impact on our thoughts, associated emotions and subsequent behavior.

Personality Traits

Personality traits are not like physical attributes such as long hair. They can only be observed in our relating to others, or in our behaviors. Whilst they are considered somewhat permanent and stable, this is only in the context of historical events. If we started behaving differently , then the trait like element would start to reduce. Whilst it is considered we are creatures of habit, at any moment we can change our habits. If we consider ourselves a shy person then we might avoid situations to talk to others that might otherwise provide us with new opportunities. Equally, we could feel the body sensations associated with the fear of talking to some new, and do it anyway.

Behaviors

Behaviors in relation to our self-schema are a bit like the confirmation cognitive bias, discussed in a previous article. When we look for a fast way to decide what to do and respond in a given situation it can have negative consequences. This relatively inflexible response restricts our ability to react and behave in a different way, which would create new possibilities. If I decide that I am someone who avoids conflict, then I will avoid situations where willing to engage in respectful conflict might take a relationship to a new level, or allow me to overcome an obstacle on the way to a desired goal. We also have the ability to have this initial thought, and then change it based on a particular situation. This change could be choosing to  engage in the required conflict because the cost of not doing so is too high.

In conclusion….

Having an identify is important to our sense of well being, and is protective of our mental health. What I am suggesting here is to become aware of what your self-schemas contain. The clue will be when you find yourself identifying  with a particular thought or behavior. Once you become aware, you can understand their origins. If you are willing to be  flexible, then you can  consider other response options that are inconsistent with your self-schema, if it is of benefit to you. .

I would love to hear examples from people who have noticed their standard response, changed it, and what has happened.  

As a therapist, I often find that an individual’s fears might hold them back from living a more fulfilling and satisfying life. Usually there is a basis in their past for this fear, or if not the original fear has spread into other areas of their life. Fear of failure is another valid response to situations, just like procrastination, rumination and reflection. These responses are purposeful and adaptive, but not always useful or in our best interest. I’m suggesting that being ok to fail, or what I refer to as successfully fail, might be useful. This article and the recommended reading explores this idea further.  

Introduction to fear of failure….

Failure is the state or condition of not meeting a desirable or intended objective. It can also by considered as the opposite of success. From a psychological perspective there is as construct called Fear of Failure and it is considered an avoidance orientated achievement motive. In non-psychology terms this  means it creates a reason to avoid embarking on activities which would lead to the achievement of goals.

In the case of fear of failure the thing being avoided  is the potential feelings of shame. The associated thought is that any failure will indicate a global level of incompetence, beyond that of the specific task being undertaken. Furthermore this incompetence will result in significant people abandoning us. Whilst not the subject of this article, psychologically the fear of abandonment is comparable to the fear of death. Hence why it can be a strong influence. Like many of these almost primal fears we have, our smart brain finds more socially acceptable reasons for this fear, or even just for not embarking on particular activities. These reasons are what we share with others, and tell ourselves. The end result is that we may not even access this underlying fear.

‘There is no innovation and creativity without failure.’ 

Brene Brown

Reasons to Fail

Being willing to embrace failure has been a lesson learnt to me later in life that has had a profound affect. I thought I would recommend an article published in the Guardian called Why we should learn to embrace failure. It offers some great insight on this subject. For me being willing to fail  it is the difference between pursing my passions and dreams, and just wondering how things might have gone if I had. At a personal level being willing to fail means allowing for the possibility of success. Happy reading!

The better we understand our internal processes, the better we are able to control them, and even change them, in order to achieive the best possible outcomes for ourselves. A previous article on self-reflection and rumination was one example of where our internal process can be useful in some circumstances, and not so useful in others. Cognitive biases often fly under the radar of our conciousness and hence we are not aware of their impact. This article will help shed a light on these for you.

Cognitive biases  – one of the costs of speed vs accuracy

We all like to think that when required, and under the right conditions, we can make well thought out decisions based on a rational and accurate assessment of the information available. This is true sometimes, but what is equally true is that we are all influenceable. One of the more subtle ways this influence occurs is though our cognitive biases. Thinking ,or cognitive, biases are in fact errors in thinking that influence how we make decisions. In this article we will explore  why these influences exist,  and look in more detail at a few of them

Cognitive psychology is a field of psychology that is still maturing. It attempts to take a more systems based approach to the processes of the mind.  Having come from an Information Technology background I have a strong preference for this approach. Unfortunately, the accuracy of any theory is fraught with error, as unlike with computer hardware which is designed by a human being, the brain was not. Therefore a lot of assumptions tend to be made about the inner workings of the brain. Whilst cognitive psychology is a science, theories are still prone to changing.

With that in mind one area of particular interest to me is the subjective nature of the human experience. This blog article focusses on the challenges associated with what we consider to be one of our most rational processes, decision making. Just like computers we balance the need for speed with the need for accuracy. The need for speed came from our evolutionary origins  where threat detection and assessment needed to be made quickly. As we move into today’s world, accuracy is a key requirement but we are challenged by the exponential growth in complexity of the world.

As we have always done, the human species adapts, and one of the adaptions is the idea of having two processing paths. A faster and more automatic path which aims to deliver a quick decision  with the minimum amount of processing and information. A slower path which provides more information, considers more options but is in theory more accurate.  Cognitive psychology considers that the fast path uses thinking shortcuts, called heuristics,  as a way of speeding up the process. In the fast path, access to information affected by these biases is also utilised.

Specific cognitive biases

There are a lot of biases. I will focus on five of the most common ones. This might help you understand how they might impact your decision making process.

Confirmation bias

The tendency to search for, interpret, focus on and remember information in a way that confirms one’s preconceptions. This bias is when we want something to be true then we can look for information to confirm it. This also also means we tend to ignore information that is not consistent with this belief. In most aspects of life where highly inflexible opinions exist, you will often find an environment ripe for this bias.  They can also impact in more subtle ways such as our thinking in relation to things such as favorite hobbies, team, friends etc. for more read

Framing effect

Drawing different conclusions from the same information, depending on how that information is presented. The classic is the same information can be presented in a way that makes it seems like a problem, or in a way that makes it seem positive. We see this every day in politics. Policy changes are framed positively by those in power, and negatively by the opposition of the day.

Anchoring effect

The tendency to rely too heavily, or “anchor”, on one trait or piece of information when making decisions.This is usually the first piece of information acquired on that subject. This often happen is purchasing and / or negotiation when we decide a particular feature is important and focus heavily of this. We then end up compromising on many other equally important aspects of the purchase or situation.

Observational Selection Bias

The tendency to notice something more when something causes us to be more aware of it. An example is when we buy a car, we tend to notice similar cars more often than we did before. They are not suddenly more common, we just are noticing them more.

Continued influence Effect

The tendency to believe previously learned misinformation even after it has been corrected. Incorrect information can still influence our thinking after a correction has occurred. Factors that impact this effect include the logic of the original information, how often it is retrieved and the strength and sensibility of the correction. In some cases the correction can reinforce the original inaccurate statement.

Concluding…..

I would ask you as a fellow researcher / observer of the human condition to try to notice when you are impacted by these biases. Noticing will increase your ability in these situations to choose to move to slower but potentially more rational processing. This will reduce the impact of these biases on you.

Any comments on examples of where you have been impacted by these biases are welcomed.

No this isn’t a misquote. Understanding and responding to your desire to procrastinate can result in your being able to spend less time on procrastinating and more time on the task you have been avoiding. Like rumination and self-reflection, it is purposeful. Understanding its purpose will enable you to  become an efficient procrastinator. The aim of this blog article is to explore from a psychological perspective some of the typical reasons for procrastination, and some ideas about how to respond to these.

So if right now you’re thinking of stopping reading, then this is definitely the article for you.

Some background….

First lets specify what it is. Procrastination is the delay that is due to the avoidance of starting  a task. It is considered to be a common behaviour, as not less than 20% of the adult population identify with procrastination. It is also associated with mental health issues and other  poor outcomes. Procrastination can have significant negative impact on many aspects of your life.

Like most things in psychology there are multiple theories and multiple aspects to procrastination. There are active and passive types based on when it is used consciously, or subconsciously. Active procrastination refers to where it is used consciously to put off completing a task in order to achieve a better outcome.There is research to suggest that some people perform better  when they do a task close to the completion deadline. Passive procrastination flies under the radar as we are often not aware of it.

Why do I procrastinate??

Within passive procrastination there is a variety of reasons for it. As this is considered to be the  most problematic type of procrastination the rest of this article will focus on it. At an overall level it is important to acknowledge that procrastination is a purposeful strategy to regulate our thoughts and feelings. Like for all of our adaptations, it is not a question of whether it is good or bad, but whether it is useful or not.

In some cases, external circumstances which can change may be the cause of procrastination, such as in task ambiguity.  In these cases we are unable to start a task  because it is not clear what needs to be done. Resolving this lack of clarity can allow for the task to proceed. Other causes which are internal to us include:

• Fear of negative evaluation, or failure in relation to the task itself.
• Lack of buy-in to the task
• A broader problem managing emotions, particularly negative ones, outside of the task itself
• Challenges in managing attention

As you will see when you read on, it is important to become aware of and understand your own procrastination, as different strategies will be used depending on which of these resonate with you.

Strategies for becoming an efficient procrastinator

With passive procrastination there are a number of proven strategies

These include:

• Task managing which is often the first strategy and probably the most well known strategy.

This strategy is customized for the individual but would include things such as breaking the task into smaller tasks so it seems more achievable. Setting intermediate goals with personal rewards such as time outs, treats etc. Scheduling work realistically in terms of available time and other conflicting demands.  This can be useful when the underlying reason for the procrastination is a fear of failure in regards to task completion. The use of smaller tasks can also help those whose procrastination is due to challenges in managing attention or emotional state.

• Revisiting the purpose of the task and aligning it with your values may increase the motivation.

When the procrastination is due to what is referred to as process aversion, or more commonly referred to as lack of commitment to the task, then looking at the reason for performing the task and aligning it to your person goals and values can increase motivation.

• Mindfulness exercises such as noticing but not engaging with less productive thoughts.

When the reason for procrastination is lack of attention then mindfulness exercises might be helpful. These can reduce the impact of these distracting thoughts can reduce the impact of the procrastination.

• Mindful breathing can be used for attention and emotion related procrastination

Mindful breathing can also be used to increase focus to combat lack of attention, and also to reduce the impact of negative emotions and reduce the impact of feelings. This involves focusing attention only on your breath as a way of drawing attention away from everything else, so you can then refocus on the task.

• It procrastination is more related to a fear of failure in general, or failure in relation to the task, then other therapeutic approaches might be helpful

Particularly If the previous two strategies don’t seem to work, than  cognitive therapy,  either with a therapist or self-help, will help to challenge  global level thoughts that support procrastination. Examples of these thoughts include:I can’t finish thing, I can’t focus my attention, I always fail etc. Cognitive therapy will also help to develop more supportive thoughts

….finally

Be kind to your procrastination. It believes it is trying to help you and just needs to be given guidance.  If you can understand what it is about, then you can use some of the strategies above to reduce its impact. This will help you become a more efficient procrastinator, and a more effective task completer.

Related article

Realistic Goal Planning – Set Yourself Up for Success

We are often faced with external events which evoke a strong negative emotional reaction in us. This reaction is often stress, fear or worry. One proven way to reduce this affect is to taken another look at  the situation, which is also referred to as cognitive reappraisal.   This process can reduce the negative emotions and ensure we are better able to respond to the situation in a more useful way.  Cognitive reappraisal is a proven strategy to  reduce the symptoms of anxiety and depression. This article looks at the theory behind this, and provides some advice on how to use this valuable strategy.  

Cognitive reappraisal, the intersection between creativity and rumination

We seem to have an obsession with being happy and positive and sometimes it would seem that the secret to happiness is just that. That being the case we could all just choose to do this tomorrow and most of the need for my profession would disappear.  Unfortunately as a considerable percentage of our neural resource are focused on threat detection and management, it isn’t this simple. For most people there is a level of over effective threat detection and hence we tend to do the opposite of think positive.

Cognitive reappraisal  can be a way of moving from a threat focus to an opportunity focus in a given situation. It enables us to see new people, or the unknown,in a positive way and use our cognitive resources to shape our life in constructive ways.  Higher level thinking processes such as creativity can be used to look for opportunities. In fact development of this capacity  enables us to increase the number of perceived threats and unknowns that we can cope with.

Cognitive reappraisal is an emotion regulation strategy that involves changing the trajectory of an emotional response by reinterpreting the meaning of a situation that has triggered an emotion. The ability to reappraise a situation has broad benefits.  It can be a protective factor against anxiety and depression as research has shown it can reduce negative affect. It is also linked to high order thinking skills such as creativity as it allows us to respond  to novel and new situations for which we have no previous understanding.

Rumination is focusing on past events with a problem focus and normally negative affect.  This is a thinking style common to both anxiety and depression. It can be a useful strategy when dealing with threats which represent a clear and present danger  because it focuses our attention and both body and mind resources on the threat.This ensures the best possible outcome in responding to a real threat. The problem is determining what is a real threat.

Reappraisal can assist us in breaking a rumination cycle as it allows us to move from a problem to a solution focus. It is another example of more flexible thinking styles . Creativity is the use of imagination or original ideas to create something, and in the case of reappraisal this something can be additional perspectives. Cognitive reappraisal is about reviewing the initial understanding and response associated with an external event and reviewing it.  Generally the resulting reappraised perspective will be more realistic  and / or positive and the associated emotional response  will be less intense and negative. Reappraisal and creativity can work hand in hand as creativity  in developing alternative perspectives can open the door to greater diversity in thinking, leading to more positive outcomes from the reappraisal .

Cognitive Reappraisal in Action

Step 1 – An external event occur

Step 2 – We make assumptions around this and there is an associated initial emotional response

Step 3 – Rappraisal can happen here as we look for other options to explain the situation.

Step 4 – Based on step 3 we have a modified emotional response which can be more positive and less intense.

Step 5 – We can then take action if required

Reappraisal 101

One of the key area to increase the effectiveness  of  your reappraisal is to question the assumptions made in step 2. Some useful questions are…….

What is the evidence that supports or contradicts this thought ?

Is there an alternative explanation?

Is there another way of looking at it?

Am I overestimating the probability of the negative event occurring?

What is the worst that could happen?

What is most realistic?

Am I overestimating the severity of the consequences of the event (should it occur)?

Is it really a terrible catastrophe if it happens?

Could I cope with it?

Reappraisal Turbo-boost

When applying the above questions be creative. Look beyond the obvious answers, particularly when considering alternative options, or ways of looking at the situation.

Finishing comments

From an evolutionary perspective our brain is hardwired to expect, look for, and respond to threats to our survival As a human we have high level resources beyond that of other creatures. Rumination, reappraisal and creativity are all examples of these more sophisticated cognitive capabilities. Moving beyond rumination to reappraisal and creativity impacts our mood, our mental health,  and our capacity and capabilities to enjoy a better like. Like all new skills, the more we use reappraisal and creativity the easier it gets to use them. Enjoy !!!

If there is someone in your life who you would like to show them you care then read on. If there is someone you know who is feeling down, or if you just feel like making a difference somehow, then read on as I explain what empathy is and how to give the gift of empathy. 

Empathy – what is it….

I often find that people will say to me is empathy the same as sympathy. I thought I would take a moment now to clear this up. To sum up the differences between the most commonly used meanings of these two terms is: sympathy is feeling compassion, sorrow, or pity for the hardships that another person encounters, while empathy is putting yourself in the shoes of another. Empathy requires us to suspend our opinion and perspective, and to be curious and want to know how it is for someone else. This is why when a therapist offers an environment of empathy it can be greatly therapeutic. In this space of validation and genuine interest, clients can reflect on their perspective, experience being cared about,  and possibly make changes in their life.  When we as individuals offer empathy to someone,  all these effects are possible.

Empathy – how to give it…..

Whilst showing empathy to another costs nothing, it is often not easy. There are a number of techniques and tool which can increase your ability to do this. In this article I will give you four:

1) Minimise external distractions. Empathy is more likely to be possible when you can fully listen to someone and hear what they are saying.

2) Minimise internal distraction. We all have varying degrees of internal mind chatter. Mindfulness activities like deep breathing can help reduce the internal noise.

3) Avoid thinking about your response before the other person has finished speaking. This is also hard to do and will take practice. Having a clear mind helps us to be able to listen more effectively.

4) Try reflecting back parts of what was said and / or what you understood to be the main parts, and ideally the feeling. Do not do this all the time, but used appropriately can really increase someone’s perception of being listened to. It also helps with clarity.

As always with these ideas. there are no failures, only progress.

I would love to hear of your experiences of giving or receiving empathy. Any comments are gratefully received. 

Don’t assume

Don’t assume someone else’s intent or reasoning unless you have asked, and they have told you. We each have our own internal experience through which we filter the world.  Ask for clarification and be curious. This will also help you in all of your relationships.

Look for your successes

If we look for our strengths and successes we are much more likely to see them. If we look for failure we will see lots of it. We have an amazing inbuilt perception system which looks for what we program it to, use it wisely.

Read More: One Easy Tip for Becoming More Optimistic

Show self-compassion

Self-compassion is linked to good mental health.  Treat ourselves as you would treat others. What would you say to a friend in your situation.

Be open to other’s ideas

Inflexibility is linked to a number of mental health disorders. Conversely, gaining skills in cognitive flexibility is  often part of treatment to reduce anxious and depressive symptoms, as well as increasing happiness.

Read More: :Mental Flexibility – Beyond Resilience

Develop reflective capacity

Reflective capacity is the ability to observe and make meaning of our thinking, thoughts, feeling and behaviour. When we are able to observe ourselves, we are more likely to be able to make changes.

Learn to regulate your emotions

Emotions are a purposeful and health response to situations which drive us to take action. Where they become problematic is when they are disproportional  to the situation we are in. Our ability to review our initial emotional response,  and to where appropriate modify our response, has huge impacts on our mental health and the likelihood of adverse behaviour and the consequences associated with these.