Would you like to change your personality?

The idea of personality was created to identify and define individual difference. It is useful in some circumstances. Its limits are that it can lock people into particular types of thinking, feeling and behaviour where changes these would be beneficial.  This article looks at the origins of personality and provides some tips on how to extend yourself beyond the limits of it.

I regularly meet people in therapy who feel that their lack of ability to do things differently is due to their personality.  ‘I  wish I could do things differently but I am an introvert.  Or  ’ I’m just one of those people who doesn’t like change’. Or even, ‘I put up with this because I have a compliant personality’. Personality  is another huge area of psychological theory and research and stems from our desire to define individual difference in people.  An official definition is the combination of characteristics, or qualities, that form an individual’s distinctive character. It is believed that these characteristics  would stay the same over a person’s life and in different situations (iie under stress, in  everyday life etc).   There are a number of different theories as it is difficult to absolutely define what these characteristics or should be. The “Big five” is the most common one.

Introduction to Personality

The original idea behind personality was to identify what were the consistent differences between people. It was driven by a desire to fit people into  jobs and professions that they would be the most effective at and the most satisfied with. It has been carried forward into others such as schools and more broadly to determine how people would react or respond in different situations. I believe that like all good theories it is useful some times, and other times not. The challenge is to know the difference.

For the people who come into therapy, constrained by their perceived personality to make changes that would help their life, it is not so useful. So good news. Personality change is possible and even more recent research supports it. The even better news it that it is not difficult, but it is challenging.

It is not difficult because it just requires us to change our thinking and behaviour, which we can do at any moment. It is challenging because  there can be a lot of internal resistance.

The introvert mentioned earlier has over time developing a lot of supporting thoughts and ideas to substantiate being an introvert. These thoughts are then supported by our feelings and sometimes our body. An example is if I was an introvert then  a supporting thought might be that I don’t like being around people. To protect me from this situation I then develop a feeling of anxiousness and an associated body response of tightness in my chest.  This helps me to avoid these situations.

Conversely, someone who is not introverted  doesn’t have this thought, feeling or body response when they walk into the same situation. These two people may in fact have the same underlying ability to function in this environment; i.e social skills, intellect etc,  but one will go into it, and one will avoid. Similarly those not liking change will develop an associated amount of supportive thoughts and feelings to avoid challenging this.

I am not saying we are all the same, but we all have the ability to extend our self beyond this definition, if we want to and chose to.

Would you life to change your personality? – Try this.

First a warning. If you find that embarking on this process causes you significant distress, as for a small amount of people personality characteristics may have developed in response to significant trauma, please contact a mental health professional.  

Step 1 – Choose a trait or characteristic you would like to change

This will normally be driven by what you consider something that constrains  you, or maybe has historically put you in difficult situations (i.e bad relationships or jobs etc)

Step 2 – Unpack the trait

If you want to change being introverted, consider what being introverted means to you in everyday life. How does it impact your behaviour?  What do you avoid, and what thoughts supports that behaviour?.

Step 3 – Consider why change it

If you weren’t defined by that trait what would it mean to you. What would be different in your life? How would it benefit you ? Is there any down side to changing it, aside from the change process itself?.

Step 4 – Make a small change

Chose a behaviour from step 2, and identify a small steps towards changing it.  It is very critical that this small step is achievable. If you don’t like being around people maybe put yourself in a situation where you are around people you know, but maybe a larger number than usual. Or commit to putting yourself in a situation with new people, but maybe only for 10 minutes. As a suggestion the solution focused approach outlined in a previous article can be useful. It supports small steps which create a sense that change is possible.

Repeat this step and over time you will notice that this trait is less dominant. You might find in more difficult situations you revert to the trait like behaviour, but in others you don’t.

Remember, each time you behave differently to the trait, you are in fact achieving personality change.

In finishing……

Personality reflects the human desire to be consistent and to avoid the anxiety of the unknown. It can be beneficial,  but like many things has it limits. The ability to extend yourself beyond this identify can increase your ability to respond flexibly to situations which itself is protective of mental health, It can also increase your life possibilities and your ability to cope with adverse life.  Would you like to change your personality? You can.