The term narcissist is often used to describe people who appear highly self-absorbed and are focused on their own self-importance at any cost. Being able to better understand their motives for being this way, and possibly what led them to this, might be helpful. It might make it easier to practice self-care around them. Or even to interact with and be in a relationship with them. That is if you wish to, and it is safe to do so. If you relate to narcissistic traits, it might enable you to offer yourself self-compassion and possibly to seek help. Read this article on understanding narcissists.

Recap on Personality

A theme of my work is developing self awareness, and with this awareness the possibility of more flexible responses. Narcissism is an example of a group of related thoughts and behaviours which can significantly limit someone’s ability to be aware of, and respond flexibly to situations. Note as I have written previously, personality traits are changeable but they require varying degrees of awareness and flexibility in order to do so.

What is narcissism ?

First a definition. Narcissism is the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one’s idealised self image and attributes. Like other qualities or traits, it exists on a continuum. There is a level of healthy narcissism. On the other extreme there is Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which is considered a mental health disorder.

In more recent times it has been found that there are two types of narcissists; grandiose and vulnerable. For both the belief that one is better than others is common. Grandiose is the better known type, and for these the focus is on manipulating the outside world to be consistent with this view. The vulnerable type require validation from others that this superior belief is true, but as they are unable to trust the opinion of others. Therefore they exist in an almost constant state of distress and fear.

Why do people become narcissists ?

Many mental heath disorders, which would include personality disorders, are due to lack of self-regulation and / or a healthy sense of self. These two critical life skills are meant to develop during early life. Research suggests that a significant contribution to narcissism is parenting styles. Typically factors such as parental warmth, or invalidation. Interestingly invalidation can include parental over-evaluation (ie you are the best artist, soccer player, singer etc) which can result in the sense that a superior self is what is required to be accepted.

If you consider narcissism as an adaptation, then it can be easier to understand the behavior of narcissists. Their focus is on self due to the need to support an inflated self that was developed in childhood. From a psychological perspective, threats to our sense of self are equivalent to physical threat. When looked at this way it is understandable why the narcissist must focus on themselves, and is therefore unavailable for others.

What is it really like to be a narcissist ?

While narcissists from an outsiders perspective can be compared to an almost infant like self-centredness, it is equally a curse for those suffering from this.

Grandiose Narcissists

Lets look at the grandiose narcissists first. These are often the ones that most people refer to when they talk about narcissists. In response to being given a message that they are superior and that their sense of self is based on this, they now need to protect that sense of self. Like all adaptive strategies they become good at this. Whilst this is protective of their self-esteem, it is done at the cost of shutting off closeness to others, being unable to be vulnerable and needing to constantly manipulate others to support their superiority beliefs. It is often destructive of any potentially healthy intimate relationships.

Vulnerable Narcissists

The other kinds of narcissist, the vulnerable narcissist, is equally self-absorbed but many not seem so to others. They also have a superior perspective of themselves developed to protect themselves in childhood, but they need others to affirm this as there is an awareness that this created self-image may not be true. Even when given positive feedback from others the critical part of themselves won’t accept this. They are perpetually stuck in a space of low self-esteem and a sense that there is nothing they can do to fix this. They can often be found in the helping profession as it offers the possibility of being constantly affirmed by clients, but they still struggle to accept this. To make matters worse they can also struggle with boundaries and hence are prone to taking on their clients emotions.

What can be done ?

Normally, due to a mistrust of others and a fear of being vulnerable, those with narcissism will not come to therapy. For grandiose narcissists, they may be coerced by significant other such as partners to come. Vulnerable narcissists are more likely to come of their own choosing due to the distress and fear they experience. Therapy has been proven to work in some situations. Some of the typcial goals of therapy being to help the client to develop a greater awareness of their behaviors in a safe place, and to develop a more healthy sense of self.

In finishing

Hopefully this article has left you with a better understanding of what narcissism is. Possibly and more more importantly a sense of why people become narcissists and what it would be like for someone suffering from a clinical level of these traits. You may now be able to have more empathy, and also to maintain strong boundaries around narcissists. If you identify strongly with these traits you may be able to offer yourself compassion, hope and the possibility of taking action.

Take care.

Scott