Anger and frustration are part of the human condition, but what they are triggered by is unique in each of us. Understanding these triggers has the benefit of helping us to manage our reaction. Equally importantly is that it provides a key to understanding our limits and boundaries, and growing beyond them, if it makes sense to do so. Read this article to understand your anger and for details of another process to follow for growth.

Understand Your Anger –  A Key to Growth

Part of the human condition is a drive for certainty and this is driven by our evolutionary roots. A big part of animal life is threat detection and management. To accurately determine and evaluate a threat we need certainty. In this context rigid rules and boundaries allow fast and accurate assessment of threats. When a threat is detected, and one in which a fight response is appropriate, then a strong emotion such as anger is needed. The physiological arousal associated with anger is designed to trigger a strong physical response.

 Unlike animals, we have access to higher level strategies, such as cognitive reappraisal. These enable us to review threat related decisions, and respond in different ways, whereas animals can only choose from fight, flight or freeze.

Personal growth often occurs as a result of our willingness to be flexible and to extend ourselves into unknown territories. Also a number of mental health issues relate to having inflexibile rules and boundaries.  Developing your mental flexibility is a protective factor against this.

If you are looking to extend your world and / or increase your flexibility it is important to know the boundaries of your world. There boundaries are generally defined by very rigid rules and thinking.

The easiest way to find them is to look at the things that anger and frustrate you the most.

For example:

If you hate people being late then time is a strong boundary.

If you don’t like people to push in when there is queue, or even bend the rules, then compliance is a strong boundary.

If criticism from others, even when it is constructive, makes you feel angry then needing to be right is a strong boundary.

There is nothing wrong in having these boundaries. Knowing what they are and that they are self-imposed opens up the possibility of changing them, if it is of benefit. It is also useful to note that we often impose these same standards and rules on ourselves.

For example someone who hates people being late would typically experience a lot of frsutration when they are waiting somewhere for someone to turn up. Without that boundary the frustration  does not exist. Also needing to be on time might translate into being overly early and losing the benefit of time that could be spent doing other things.

If you have a strong need to be right then maybe you deflect the potential; benefits that some criticism would offer you. Also you may not try things where you think you won’t be right, and maybe lose a learning or extension opportunity.

If compliance is a big source of frustration then maybe you lose out on opportunities that could be created by non-compliance. Innovation can be an outcome from non-compliance or non-conformance.

How to Understand your Anger

The following is a process to understand your boundaries, their impact, and an opportunity to review them and maybe to apply them more flexibly.

Step 1

Write down on a sheet of paper the top 3 or 5 things other people do that annoy you the most.

Step 2

For each of the things in step 1, rewrite them starting with Is it not ok for me to…. and end with the thing that frustrates you.

Step 3

For each of the new sentences constructed in the previous step, reflect on what this means if you do these things.

Step 4

Reflect on the accuracy of the previous statements in steps 1 or 2. Do they apply in all situations.

An example

Step 1 – I get frustrated when people break the rules

Step 2 – It is not ok for me to break the rules

Step 3 – If I break the rules people will be angry with me / not like me etc etc

Step 4 – Is this true that under all situations ? Will people really be angry with me or not like me if I break a rule ? Under what situations would breaking a rule be beneficial to me ? Also, if others break the rule, could I try to manage the feeling of frsutration in my body and sit with it. What is the outcome if I do this?  Maybe if I do this then how I respond is more approprariate.

In Finishing…

In developing our sense of who we are in the world, it is inevitable that we define boundaries and rules to live by. If we wish to maximise potential, and to protect our mental health, it is important to be conscious of them. If we are then we have the ability to be flexible in their application, if it is of benefit to us.

I challenge you to try this see what a difference it makes. As always, if you experience significant distress in undertaking any of these activities please STOP and connect with a mental health professional.

Enjoy and take care

Scott