Forgiveness seems to have attained the status of a virtue that we should all aspire to. In fact when we can’t forgive we might consider this a personal failure and/or a character deficit. I call this The Dark Side of Forgiveness. This week’s article looks at forgiveness in a more balanced way. It considers a wider variety of responses to the transgressions of others against us. It places the goals of personal psychological health and physical safety as primary. My aim is to support victims of transgressions of any sort to have a wider number of choices in supporting themselves.

What is Forgiveness and Should I Forgive ?

Forgiveness is a term bandied around a lot with many people advising friends and family members of the need to forgive, irrespective of who and what they are forgiving. People whose life includes a spiritual element, seem to be even more adamant of the importance and significant of forgiving. Where it can become challenging is often people can feel shame when they are not ready to forgive, or even don’t feel they should. As a therapist I have noticed times where clients’ forgiveness might result in them returning to unsafe situations.

First a current definition from a psychological perspective. According to the emerging consensus among researchers, forgiveness includes (a) the reduction in vengeful and angry thoughts, feelings, and motives, and may be accompanied by (b) an increase in some form of positive thoughts, feelings, and motives toward the offending person.

Are There Other Options ?

There is a substantial body of research around forgiveness, unforgiveness and the idea of not forgiving. It would seem that the negative psychological impact of not forgiving is around the holding onto of resentment, bitterness and anger that is directed toward another person who has committed a transgression against us. Another interesting area of inquiry has been around the impact of punishment. How does the offender being punished for the transgression impact the ability to forgive someone?. It seems that it is more effective when the victim is given a voice as part of the punishment process and hence a sense of power. In fact forgiveness in itself facilitates a redistribution of power between the offender and victim where the choice to forgive is an empowering and purposeful decision. It is felt that this is the mechanism through which the negative emotions are resolved.

More recent definitions of unforgiveness divides unforgiveness into three aspects: negative emotions and rumination; unforgiving cognitions; and an altered perception of the offender. Ift seems that if the negative emotion and rumination are resolved, then unforgiveness may not have adverse outcomes for the individual. It would appear that people who have a greater ability to control their emotions are able to do this more easily.

So it is important to be aware that conditional forgiveness, or in fact not forgiving, can be as psychologically healthy as forgiveness. This is counter to the general idea that unconditional forgiveness is the ideal standard. It would seem that across all options a sense of empowerment and control is the pathway to better psychological health.

If Someone Does Something to me How do I Take Care of Myself ?

This suggests that when someone does something to us, aside from the direct consequences to us of their actions, one of the key losses is a loss of power. Being able to reclaim and exercise that power enables us to avoid rumination. Rumination usually involves focused thinking on the transgression, the offender, and the associated negative consequences. Rumination as well as anger directed toward the offender become the default strategy and it is this approach which is linked to negative health outcomes and other consequence. Revenge is an example of a strategy that might result from being in this head space.

Once we have addressed the impact of these negative emotions and / or reclaimed our personal power then we can decide what of the next step. Whether it would be be offering forgiveness to the offender, offering forgiveness subject to punishment, or not offering forgiveness at all. Noting that there may be a place for each of these options.

Some Strategies for Addressing the Personal Power Deficit and / or Avoiding Ruminating

Mindfulness – This is a way of disconnecting from emotionally charged thinking where our responses, however uncomfortable are held in awareness without our passing judgment on them. There are many online resources about this topic, or talk to a therapist.

Self-worth / Self-esteem – Restoring your sense of self will increase your power. Dependent on the transgression talking to victim support services can be useful. Focusing on your strengths and self worth values with a therapist or trusted friend can be useful.

Realistic Thinking – For some people rumination can result in heightened distress due to unrealistic thinking about the consequences of the transgression. Becoming aware of these thoughts and challenging them can be helpful to reduce this distress. If you find it difficult to do this alone, then seek the help of a mental health professional.

Positive distractions – Whilst not as enduring as the previous strategies, distracting yourself with other things in your life that make you happy and feel good about yourself to reduce distress. Please ensure that these are NOT destructive or unhealthy.

In Finishing

When a transgression is committed against us, aside from the consequences of that transgression, there is a loss of personal power. Our evolutionary adaptive strategy is fight while rumination and anger mobilize our resources to restore the power imbalance. If we wish to consider and adopt alternate strategies in response to the transgression that better support us, we need to find a way to restore our internal power deficit, or at least stop ruminating. Once we have done this we can consider, possibly with support, what it the best strategy that would protect us and support our growth.

There are many anecdotal stories of the power of unconditional forgiveness of significant transgression, but this should just be considered one of the possible options. It is important that the victims of others’ transgressions are not further victimized by the choices they make to restore their psychological health and ensure their physical safety.

Any comments or feedback on your own experience of this is appreciated and valued.

Take care

Scott

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