Many of the goals we set for ourselves in life require us to interact with others to achieve them.  These could be relationship goals, influence goals, work goals etc. A significant success factor in  achieving these goals is our willingness to put ourselves in situations where we are under the scrutiny of others. For many people a fear of rejection, also called rejection sensitivity,  can be an insurmountable obstacle that prevents further progress. It could stop you from contacting a potential  friend or partner. Reaching our to someone in your business network  about an exciting opportunity.  Or realising a goal of performing your area of passion in front of others. This article explores this fear further whilst offering ideas to minimise its impact.

The setting of goals is an important part of living a purposeful life. While hope is a factor that contributes to an overall sense that our goal setting will result in achievement, other factors come into play when performing  tasks related to our goals. Procrastination is one factor that will impact whether particular tasks are undertaken . Rejection sensitivity  is another that will impact task completion if social exposure is involved.  Like most responses, rejection sensitivity began as adaptive and purposeful and has been useful  at some point in life. For many the basis was  actual rejection experiences taking place in early life. Early rejection resulted in unpleasant emotional pain and potentially other more serious consequences.  In response to this a heightened capacity  to notice rejection developed  early on.The purpose of this was to enable us to avoid situations that might expose us to these unpleasant consequences again.

What is rejection sensitivity

The psychological  term that describes this concept is called rejection sensitivity. Those high in rejection sensitivity tend to focus on elements of a situation that they consider an indicator of rejection. They will often  interpret situations as rejection when it is unclear if this is the case. Take the example of calling someone new to arrange a meeting and the person does not call back. Those high in rejection sensitivity consider this a rejection even though there may be a number of other reasons for the other’s failure to call back.  To compound this problem further, those higher in rejection sensitivity will find it difficult to take their attention away from this perspective. Finally rejection sensitivity can also be linked to low self-esteem. Our self-schema is how we define ourselves. If we consider our-self to be someone who is usually rejected by others, than it almost becomes an expected consequence of social interactions.

Some tips…

So if you consider yourself to be someone who is high on sensitivity to rejection, and / or avoids some social or work situations because of the possibility of rejection, what can you do ?

• In unclear social situation , note your bias to rejection and allow yourself to reappraise the situation. An example is If someone has not called back, review the facts before assuming it is a rejection.
• In work or personal situations where you are avoiding undertaking a task because of expected rejection, first take steps to regulate any feelings of anxiety. Mindful breathing or a physical activity that disrupts any significant emotional reaction can be helpful. Then try to take your attention away from the rejection focussed thoughts.
• In all cases start to break the link between your self-view and rejection. Those with rejection sensitivity tend to generalise individual examples of rejection, hence its impact on self perception.  Find ways to buffer your self-esteem from others. Consider identifying and noting your strengths as a way of building a more robust self view. Try to attribute your successes to your ability as a way of increasing your personal value.

In finishing

Rejection sensitivity can be a significant obstacle to achieving social, relationship and work related goals.Whilst there is normally a sound basis for developing this sensitivity, often in early childhood, its continued use later in life  is usually not so unhelpful. Strategies such as reappraisal, mindfulness and activities to increase self-esteem can reduce the impact of this bias, and enable you to achieve and pursue your goals.