This article provides some ideas on self-esteem, What might be causing low self-esteem, and how to increase it in a healthy and sustainable way. 

My experience…

If you are looking for other people to be different towards you, or to say something to you in order for you to be happy, then maybe looking at your boundaries might help. In my own journey, and from what others have told me of theirs, knowing where I start and end, and where others start and end, enables me to healthily participate in many deep, nurturing and safe relationships. The most important of these is with myself.

The problem…

Many of us are bought up in dysfunctional families in which we looked to others to determine how we felt and if we were valuable. If we are affirmed or shown love by our mother we are ok. If we didn’t know how our father was feeling,  we become anxious as he was another key barometer of how we felt about ourselves.

As we  grew up we developed our own circle of friends and close and intimate relationships. They then became our new external valuation team and emotional barometer, like an extension of ourselves.  We were  often  in a state of anxiety if we didn’t  know how each of them felt about us This would come about from their absence, or them saying something about us. We then read into it how they felt about us – usually negative.

This “survival mode” of living represents someone who has no self boundaries. In this state other people’s opinion of me become my own and, just as important, there is little or no ability to self nurture.

A solution…..

The concept of boundaries is built around the concept that I control how I think, feel and act, the same is true for you, I only need note the impact of this. Applying this concept allows others to think, feel and act as they wish, because how I interpret this is up to me. This allows me to look inwards, listen to myself, nurture myself and/or gain assistance from others when needed. Once I have done this I am then available to listen to and take in others around me, but to do so in a way that allows them to be them. I can then offer  support unconditionally without looking to them to fill my tank.

As a father this has been even more critical. I can be, and am, impacted by my children. Without boundaries they are responsible for making me feel better. With boundaries I can manage this impact, and then as an adult, consider their behaviour and set appropriate consequences. I know my own inner child is easily impacted by others and that this child is mine to look after. The gift of boundaries to them is they are free to express their emotions and opinions and this is something they will carry into adulthood. The gift to me is that I experience my children fully and am present for them. This equally applies to an intimate relationship with a partner as boundaries allow a safe place for the relationship to develop, without either party feeling resentful about having unrealistic and/or unspoken expectations of the other.

Read More : How to Increase Self-esteem – a bottom up approach