How to Become Yourself

December 29, 2018 | Uncategorized | 3 Comments

It is the time of year where a greater number of people reflect on the year that was and their hope for the next one. This article offers a way of utilizing this time to put in place changes that will benefit you in many ways. From the aspect of seeking and achieving sustainable changes. From a mental health perspective, being both protective of mental illness and supportive of positive mental health. Finally, and most importantly, from the perspective of overall life satisfaction, relationships and internal consistency. Read this article for more information and details of a five step process on how to Become Yourself. One you can start immediately.

If you prefer listening click on this link to an approx. 9.5 minute Podcast version of this article.

Why Become Yourself ?

Many people use the end of the year to set goals in their life for the next year. These are often around achieving something new, or giving up something. There is no doubt that for some people this process can be highly motivating. For many others this process is not as successful. For others even the thought of doing this is distressing.

As a psychologist, my main objectives in working with people are to reduce distress, increase functioning, and help people make positive changes in their life, if they choose to. My suggestion for end of year goal setting would seem on the surface to be counter-intuitive. To set a goal to become a more authentic you. To Become Yourself. I encourage you to look at your life and reflect on the adaptations you have made. Some made sense in early-life, or in previous environments, but now maybe they don’t serve you so well. Some adaptations have been to fit in. To fit in to work environments or family environments where there was an element of dysfunctionality. Again, maybe they can be let go of now.

Many people I work with in the therapeutic environment hold on to beliefs about themselves that no longer serve them. For some these beliefs now cause them distress and / or limit their progression in life. In working with them I will often assist them to challenge these. Another thing that my clients often discover is a number of strengths they posses but possibly haven’t noticed or owned. For others there are parts of themselves that they had suppressed. These might represent some lovely qualities, or innate talents that would be very sensitive to other’s opinions.

One of the skills we also work on is the development of mental flexibility. This can broaden the range of thoughts and feelings that someone can tolerate and cope with. In general it is a protective factor for those wishing to improve their lives. In adopting mental flexibility a less judgmental view is taken. There is an opportunity to be compassionate, kind and curious when reflecting and exploring your inner world.

Five Step Process for Becoming Yourself

So Becoming Yourself can be achieved through five steps.

1) Preparation

Find a time and space where you can be present and stay foccussed on yourself.

Utilize the mental flexibility skills of acceptance, kindness and curiosity. Find a blank sheet of paper and draw four vertical lines, breaking the sheet into four equals sections. At the top of each section, write headings as follows:

1) Who I have become : 2) How I have adapted 3) What I have protected 4) What I would like to reclaim and / or am willing to drop in 2019

2) Become self-aware of how you define yourself now

Write down the qualities and behaviors that define you. Maybe what you tell yourself in your internal dialogue, or how you describe yourself to others. Write these in section 1.

3) Consider are there are any adaptations that no longer serve you and can be dropped

Have you had to adapt in ways to survive based on difficult early life experiences, or even later life relationships. Do these circumstances no longer exist so it is safe to drop these. Like a coast of armour you no longer need. Write these in section 2.

4) Are there parts of yourself that you have disowned or buried to protect yourself

Similarly, are there parts of you so that you had to protect from others or outside circumstances. Maybe it was part of you that was heavily criticised by others. Maybe it is a soft and vulnerable part that you still unsure about bringing out. Write these in section 3.

5) Review the list and consider

Look at section 2 first. If there are any qualities you would like to drop, and it is safe to do so, write these in section 4. Look at section 3. Are there any qualities you would like to nurture in 2019, then write these in section 4. Section 4 can be considered your goals, or new years resolution for 2019, but with a catch. Please pursue them with self-kindness and compassion. Progress is success and should be applauded. Relapse is expected. Without this approach goals can be a source of self-criticism and shame.

In Finishing

Becoming Yourself is a life long journey. Human’s are highly adaptive creatures that maintain our evolutionary roots of focusing on threat detection and management. Becoming yourself requires a more holistic perspective in terms of being willing to challenge often very rigid rules and beliefs. These will have been developed over the course of your life so far. The benefits aside from growth and heading in the direction of your hopes and dreams are better mental health. As a therapist I do not take lightly what this process might involve for each of you. If you start to experience significant distress PLEASE engage a mental health professional. This is not a sign of failure, but an opportunity to offer yourself self-compassion and esteem. You deserve it !!

Thank you for reading, enjoy, take care and I wish you a wonderful 2019.

PS Comments and feedback are always greatly appreciated. I am also a work in progress.