This article looks at conflict and conflict resolution. It looks at the relational and communication challenges. In my experience these are the biggest obstacles, not just to conflict resolution, but they are often the cause of conflict. It provides tools and techniques for managing each of these obstacles, achieving better outcomes and relationships. These in my experience represent advanced techniques for managing conflict.

Background

There is a large number of articles on the subject of conflict and conflict resolution. This article is from a different perspective. When working with clients in therapy they often have found the standard approaches do not work. They were finding that whilst  on the surface all parties seemed to be engaging in the conflict resolution  process their subsequent actions did not reflect this. Or in conflict with people they were in close relationship with, the consequences of the conflict were out of proportion to what the conflict was about. My take on why this happens is that often the struggle with conflict is less about conflict. It is more about relationships, and our own beliefs about conflict. I will explore this more in this article.

Like many words in the English language there are a variety of definitions of conflict and I offer a few here:

1. A situation in which there are opposing demands or ideas and a choice has to be made between them:
2. A serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one.
3. Friction or opposition resulting from actual or perceived differences or incompatibilities.

The first definition reflects what on the surface conflict is. It is about opposing demands and choices. When this is the case, and in a small number of situation it is only this, using a forum that allows the objective voicing of all options, consultation and use of negotiation styles can resolve it. In the vast majority of conflict situations, particularly those that involve people with close personal relationship, but even in less intimate relationships such as in the workplace, the second and third definitions of conflict are more appropriate.

The surface level reason for the conflict becomes the battleground in which many psychological and emotional weapons of mass destruction can be thrown between the parties. In cases they can be as simple as unreasonable demands which are being requested purely for reasons of spite towards the other party.  I have seen projects in large organisations where relationship issues can result in the loss of large sums of money due to personal vendettas played out between members of a senior management team, or between a customer and a supplier.

Why is this so and what can we do ?

There is a relationship element to all human interactions.

When we meet someone we develop an opinion of them and ourselves in relationship to them. This can be enduring and it impacts all further interactions with that person.  The psychological basis for this assessment is to undertake threat assessment. This threat assessment is performed on many levels. It includes physical threat assessment as well as our threat to our sense of self, also known as our self esteem. Our self-esteem is a very significant factor in our well being. To the extent that research suggests that it even protects us from our fear of dying. In situations where we make an assessment that our self-esteem is at risk, we will respond very differently to where this is not the case. For example we will tend to put up walls and / or take a very adversarial approach to that person.  This is designed to protect out self-esteem,

To counter relationship issues being the cause of conflict or even conflict resolution, I would suggest looking at the relationship you have with those you are likely to come into conflict. Find ways of developing empathy. An investment in time to understand them and their motives and challenges, will most likely pay off in a number of ways, including in reduced conflict.

We bring to conflict beliefs about what conflict means to use and project these on to the conflict.

Attachment is another big area of psychological research. In a nut shell, out of early childhood if we experienced secure attachment with our primary caregivers we develop as part of this an ability to emotionally self-regulate. If not then we may unconsciously look to other to do this. This will often come up as anxiety in how we approach of interact with others. This will be heightened in situations of perceived conflict.

For those where this is a significant theme I would suggest looking an engaging in individual therapy. Where this is less severe then techniques such as mindfulness can help to manage emotional responses and enable us to work on this. Mindfulness is about being present, notice our body, feelings and thoughts. If we do this we can understand what thoughts are triggering strong feelings and develop strategies for managing them.

Good conflict resolution requires all parties to understand each other’s position and needs, and this is very difficult

In my experience effective communication happens infrequently. Sometimes it is the conditions but many times it is internal filters or noise that prevent this from happening. These factors are generally exaggerated in conflict situations.

Active listening is a great tool, as in order to understand someone else’s position we need to be in a position to receive and process it. Active listening includes a vast array of techniques and the three below are just some that you might find helpful.

Minimise filters – Quieten your mind from external and internal distraction. External are noises and other environmental factors. Internal distractions are other things you are thinking about.

Summarise and paraphrase – at appropriate times in the conversion reflect back your understanding of what has been said This says to the listener you are interested It also allows them to correct any misunderstandings.

Ask relevant  questions  – a relevant question is one designed to increase your understanding of what someone is saying. Not to lead the conversation away from it.

In finishing

 If you are successful in using these tools then conflict will be more of the resource conflict kind and will be resolved faster and will be more likely to leave all relationships intact. Also, you will find that you experience less conflict in the first place.