Have you ever wondered why people don’t hear what you are saying, and that this is even worse with the people who know you the best ? This article provides some insight into why this is the case. It also provides one important tip for better communication that might radically increase the effectiveness of your communication.

The fundamental problem

As a psychologist and counsellor I often wonder why we assume that human communication is effective. As a fellow human being I understand why we do. I urge people to consider this is not the case as I believe this would allow for more effective communication to occur.

Why communication fails

Whilst the challenges of the mechanics of communication: language, channel etc, will not be explored in this post, they are acknowledged as significant. I want to focus more on what I am presented with in the therapy room when working with individuals, families and couples. The last group really represent those most impacted by communication, and the group that least expects this to be the case.

Problem 1 –

Generally couples who come to therapy will have a history of many years together, and when asked by outsiders would say they know the other person well.  Here is where enemy number one of good communication lives.  Assumption. Assumption says I know this person well, I know their values and their character, and I know their intent and therefore I can respond based on this assumed intent. In some cases I can even complete the communication for them. Typically the other person does the same and it tends to spiral down from here. A typically train of communication follows….when you asked me about dinner I assumed you were saying to me  ‘I think you are lazy’ so  I responded to that intent by saying that you are always so critical ..etc etc

Problem 2 –

Problem number two is in some ways similar  to the previous problem, but is more pervasive. It is caused by what we in the psychology field call heuristics. In simple terms heuristics are shortcuts the  brain takes to process information and make decisions. These can be very handy in some situations such as evaluating and responding to threats,  but when used in human communication are highly problematic. They encourage us to filter the message based on previous situations we have been in which are similar to this, develop a response based on historical experiences, and then respond. For most of us at times, myself included, this results in us formulating a response before the person talking have finished speaking.  From a heuristics perspective this is highly efficient, but from a communications perspective highly ineffective.

My Tip for Better Communication…

if we operate from the assumption that communication is ineffective then the following is necessary::

• Listen to each and every word of what someone is saying.
• Assume that you don’t know the message intent, unless the sender tells you
• Don’t start developing your response until the listener is finishing talking.

Try becoming a communication pessimist and see if your communication improves.