Feedback from others is a normal part of human life. Many people find receiving negative feedback particularly difficult. To some degree this can be due to how it is given. This is an important  aspect of feedback, but not one I am covering in this article. From a psychological perspective, I would suggest  it is also due to how we receive and process it.  This article will help you to understand the process you go through when receiving negative feedback, and some ideas about to change this.  You will then be better at handling negative feedback, and gaining  the benefits it offers.

Handling Negative Feedback

Before launching into this subject further, I do acknowledge that there is malicious  feedback which is designed to hurt us and is never acceptable. I differentiate this from feedback from people who have our best interests in mind, at least some of the time, such as partners, family, good friends, work colleagues and managers. From observing us they can offer us insight about ourselves that we might never see..

If we view ourselves as adaptive creatures who are capable of learning, then negative feedback is essential to our optimal functional . As social beings we need to interact with others for survival, and often to collaborate with other to undertake tasks. We need to be able to be aware of the impact of our interactions and efforts. We need to know when these  are not achieving the desired outcomes so we can take corrective action.

Conversely, we have a number of self-defence mechanisms designed to protect us from perceived damage to the self which can be caused by negative feedback. As psychological damage to our self-image can provide a similar reaction to physical damage, these self-defence mechanism can be like missile systems designed to blow the incoming negative feedback out of the sky.

These two conflicting perspectives on negative feedback suggest there can be important benefits of it that we can lose if our default position is activating our defence system.

In looking at process of receiving negative feedback there are a number of process at play as seen in the diagram below.

 

Challenges and Tips of Process steps

Interpretation of Feedback.

As the first step this is often the most problematic for many people. In fact it can feel like this step happens in the blink of an eye, before going to the next step. We will often decide what is the intent of the other person, otften negative, with minimal interpretation of the message, and move straight to the next step of emotional response. If we are aware of our sensitivities in relation to our self, and how these  bias our thinking, then we can slow this step down. We can then come up with a more constructive interpretation of the feedback, and of the person giving the feedback’s intent.. This might reduce the intensity of the emotional response.

Emotional Response

This response is generally consistent with our interpretation of the feedback in relation to our self-worth. If we consider it a direct attack on our sense of self, then we will have a strong emotional response. If we view it as neutral then the emotional response will be neutral.

Self-regulation

In the human brain we have the capacity to develop an ability to regulate our emotions through more sophisticated cognitive circuits. As this is a learned ability the capacity of each individual to do this, and what strategies we use will vary considerably. Strategies such as cognitive re-appraisal allow us to take another look at the situation and potential reduce our emotional response. Suppression can also result in a down regulation of response, but it might have other consequences…

Decision about  Self defence

If we have interpreted the negative feedback as as attack on our sense of self, and we have been unable to self-regulate, then it is likely we will move on to activate self-defence. If we have held a neutral position on the feedback in relation to our sense of self, or we have been able to self-regulate through reappraisal, then it is like that we will move to process and learn.

Activate self-defence

In self-defence it can also be like war has been declared. For some people, physical or verbal assault might be considered appropriate responses. Other strategies commonly used include withdrawal, retaliating  via  responding with negative feedback, or sabotaging.  Whilst some of these strategies are better options in the moment, all of them will have some impact on our relationship with that person.

Process and learn

If we arrive at this step then we gain the benefits of negative feedback. A chance to reflect, improve and grow. In this step we can consider what the feedback relates to in regards to our behaviour. After considering external factors and / or unique circumstances, we can decide if and what we could be differently next time. Learning and adaption is achieved.

In finishing….

Leaning to receive and process useful feedback, including negative feedback, can make a big difference to our lives. In respect to the growth and learning if offers. It also avoids the impact of unnecessary activation of our self-defence systems on our relationships and other people we come in contact with.

I recommend that you start by becoming aware of how you respond to negative feedback and what steps you typically go through. Once you have done this, in situations when you find you are not happy with the outcomes of your response both to you and others, you can alter the process and start to change your response.

Best of luck, and I’m open to any thoughts , experiences or feedback on this article. .